


Really Got a Hold On Me

by J_Amore



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-18
Packaged: 2017-11-06 12:23:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Amore/pseuds/J_Amore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in season 2. After her painful break-up with Finn, Rachel turns her attention back to her first love, the stage. But her determination to put the past behind her leads her into the path of a dangerous and devious man. As Rachel struggles to stay afloat in her dark new world, those who care about her fight to help her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Takes place shortly after Original Song, but not canon after that point. Will include some of what actually happened on the show, but will definitely go off course because I started it a couple of months before the season 2 finale but didn't post till much later. 
> 
> Eventual Rachel and Finn pairing but features friendships with several other characters. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, its characters or ideas. I don't even own the TV I watch it on.

Chapter 1

The aluminum of the bleachers was cold against her legs and she couldn't help but wonder why she thought it was a good idea to wear such a short skirt in the harsh March weather. Just another stupid decision on her part, she thought bitterly. 

Rachel looked out at the deserted football field, the season had ended a couple of months ago and there was not a jock nor cheerio in sight, even the grass was dead. She was thankful that God at least allowed her to have the small comfort of wallowing in peace.

They had won Regionals, and largely in part because of her, but her happiness was short lived. She may have had the trophy now, but she still didn't have the boy, and as silly and not at all Streisand-esque as it was, the boy meant so much more. She had poured her heart out into that song and sung her feelings for all to see, and all she got was a goofy smile and a platonic hug. Finn may have appreciated her talent, but he appreciated Quinn's looks more. They all did.

The sound of heavy footsteps clanging on the cheap metal planks brought Rachel out of her daze and she turned her head to see Puck climbing up the bleachers towards her.

"What's up, Berry?" he asked casually as he sat down and slid next to her on the bleacher . "Noticed you skipped Glee today. Maybe you're a little cooler than I give you credit for," he said with a smirk.

Rachel sighed tiredly and returned to gazing off into space. "I didn't skip, Noah. I just decided not to attend Glee this afternoon."

"Are you sick?" Accepting the fact that he can't ask the question directly to her face, Puck settled for leaning back on his elbows and looking off into space with her. Maybe he could figure out what the hell was so interesting out there.

"No."

"Did someone die?" Puck asked. 

Rachel shook her head frantically and gasped at him in horror. "No! Why would you even think something like that?"

Puck just shrugged. "So you're perfectly healthy and all your relatives are alive?" he summarized. "Well, then I hate to break it to you, Princess, but you skipped."

"Fine, Noah. I skipped Glee," she admitted with a roll of her eyes. "But it's just an extra curricular activity, it's not like I cut class or something."

"Just an extra curricular?" Puck echoed in surprise. "Maybe you are sick." His voice was light and smug and playfully mocking, and she found an odd sense of comfort in his interest in her life, even if it did get her into trouble a few weeks ago.

Rachel didn't bother responding, instead she just shook her head in a gesture Puck doesn't fully understand and once again turned her eyes away from him.

"So why'd you bail?" he prodded not so gently.

"I can't go in there." She sounded so tired and Puck didn't fail to notice.

"Why not?"

Rachel opened her mouth to speak before thinking better of it and snapping her jaw shut. "It doesn't matter." She felt so defeated, but surely he wouldn't get it, he'd just think she was being overdramatic.

"What's going on, Rach? Why are you out here feeling sorry for yourself?"

Puck knew from the way her body instantly tenses at his comment that he said the wrong thing. He had a tendency to do that. He thought back to last year when they sat in this very spot and she tried to let him down gently after their week of dating. He remembered how her attempts to comfort him had failed because he felt so beaten down by the situation and couldn't see past his own anger and hurt, so he lashed out at her. He imagined that's probably how she feels right now and maybe he should be more sensitive.

"I'm not feeling sorry for myself! I just needed to think," she snapped hotly. "Why are you even here, Noah?"

He offered her a weak smile because he doesn't do apologies so well and pressed on with his miserable attempt at comforting her. "I saw you sitting here all sad and alone, and I couldn't help myself. I'm a sucker for hot Jewish girls in distress."

Rachel laughed softly for a moment before sobering. "Do you really think I'm hot?" she asked, her interest in the conversation suddenly spiking.

"Of course," he replied easily. "You know if I wasn't with Lauren I'd totally be looking to pop your cherry now that Finn's out of the picture.

"Do you have to be so crude?" she asked, her disdain for his choice of words clear in her voice and facial features.

"Yes."

She played with the hem of skirt nervously as she began to ramble. "But you think I'm ok looking? I'm not too hideous, am I? I mean I know my nose is way too big and my eyes are kind of dull and boring, and I could probably stand to lose a few pounds."

"Whoa, Berry, slow down," Puck said. "Your nose is perfect and your eyes are beautiful. And there's not an inch of fat on you. Where's this all coming from?" He looked at her curiously, because while he knew she was a little unsure when it came to romantic stuff, like how she'd always ask if the way she kissed him was right, and it was, because if there was one thing Rachel Berry knew how to work, it was her mouth, but he never suspected she was that insecure. After all, this was the girl who put together power-point presentations explaining why she should get the lead in every single Glee competition.

"But Quinn is prettier than me. You'd pick her over me too, right?" she pressed, a troubled expression on her face.

Puck didn't bother to hide his annoyance at her self-deprecating words. "Is that what this is about? Finn and Quinn? Berry, come on-"

Rachel promptly cut him off. "Why is he able to forgive her but not me? It's because she's prettier than me, isn't it?" she demanded, her voice rising a bit.

Puck could tell she was getting worked up and he just wanted to put a stop to it because he always hated when chicks got sad around him. He was self-aware enough to know that was pretty ironic of him considering he's probably caused a whole lot of sadness in girls' lives, but he didn't usually have to deal with the fallout. No one expected him to clean up his own messes anyway. Except Rachel. She always expected more from him, more than even he thought he was capable of.

"Finn's a douche-bag," Puck stated flatly. He was certain he had just solved all her problems with that declaration, because clearly it's the truth and the truth sets you free or whatever, but Rachel continued on as if he hadn't said anything.

"I guess I'm just the conselation prize," she muttered. "The girl boys like Finn settle for when girls like Quinn are unavailable."

"Finn didn't settle for you... he was crazy about you." He couldn't believe what he was hearing because he really thought Berry had her shit together. Puck sort of wanted to shake some sense into her right then, but he had a strict policy against laying his hands on a girl to do anything other than pleasure her.

"Because Quinn broke his heart," Rachel argued. "I heard what people said, that he must have gone temporarily insane to even consider going out with me." There was a brief pause, as if she was considering something, and when she spoke again her voice was softer, sadder. "You did the same thing, you know? You only went out with me because you couldn't have Quinn."

"Fine, I'm a douche-bag too," he admitted. It was probably the most honest thing he'd said in a while.

Rachel turned and looked at him hopefully, no longer content to direct her side of the conversation to the open field. "But if I was pretty, if I looked like Quinn, would you want to be with me?" she asked. "Hypothetically, of course, I'm not actually interested in rekindling our brief romance. I believe we make much better friends than lovers."

"I already said I'd tap that," he answered. "As is," he added to drive home the point that he finds her attractive.

She sighed, seemingly disappointed by his answer. "So it's all about sex, is that it? If someone like me wants to keep someone like Finn around I need to give freely of myself sexually."

"What?" Puck was sure he heard correctly because he could have sworn Rachel just offered to give out free sex.

"I'm saying I'm not pretty enough to not put out," she elaborated. "I should have known. No guy is going to stick around based on my looks alone, so what's the point if they're not at the very least getting physical gratification from me? Not too mention my grating personality is enough to drive even the most patient of boys away. I'd need to posses the sexual prowess of Jenna Jameson to keep a guy's interest."

Puck glared at her in surprise. Rachel Berry knew of porn stars by name. And Rachel Berry was apparently dangerously lacking in the self-esteem department. "You're sounding crazier than usual, Berry."

"If I hadn't broken up with you because of my misguided feelings for Finn, you would have bailed on me too," she said solemnly. She didn't realize she was being unfair in her assumption, because she truly believed it.

"You don't know that." Puck resented the implication. Sure, he enjoyed sex, a lot, but despite being a total sex shark, he could hold out for the right girl. And he would have never pressured Rachel into sleeping with him last year.

"Oh please, like you'd really stay with me if all we did was make out," Rachel bit back bitterly.

"I happened to like making out with you," he grinned.

She couldn't help the small smile that passed her lips at his flirtatious admission, because maybe Noah did find something appealing in their make-out sessions. She felt good about that for a few seconds but it passed quickly. "But you wanted more."

"Of course. Who wouldn't?" Puck asked as if it was the most obvious question in the world.

"So if I had sex with Finn maybe he'd still want me," Rachel concluded after a few moments of contemplation.

"Stop measuring your self-worth by what Finn thinks," he snapped harshly. "He's not perfect, you know. He broke up with you because of his stupid pride, not because he stopped loving you or because you weren't pretty enough. And doing something you didn't really want to wouldn't have helped matters."

"So why isn't he too proud for Quinn?" Rachel cried desperately. "She cheated on him too, and some might even say that what she did was way worse than our little make out session."

Puck ran a hand through his mohawk. He cared about Rachel but she could be so damn frustrating at times. "Look, I don't know how Finn's mind work, if it even works at all, but I doubt it has anything to do with your looks."

Standing up from the bench, Rachel turned to place a chaste kiss on his cheek. "Thanks for stopping to talk to me, Noah. I'll see you around."

Then she was gone. Puck watched her walk away in confusion because he was pretty sure nothing he said got through to her.

 

Not much changed for Rachel after her talk with Noah. Sure, he was kind to her and made a point of striding up to her and cracking some ridiculously distasteful joke or uttering some wildly inappropriate sexual comment whenever he caught her gazing sadly at Finn and Quinn making out in the halls, and she'd laugh softly and allow him to lead her down the corridor, away from it all, but she was still hurting.

And since she couldn't hold onto Finn, she decided she'd cling to her other great love, Broadway. Maybe that's where she went wrong, she thought, maybe she shouldn't have let herself fall so deeply in love with a boy in a small town because she was getting out of this place soon.

She refocused her energy on vocal lessons, dance classes, and acting workshops. She kept herself so busy that she hardly had the time to long after Finn. And it was almost enough, but she couldn't completely escape it because Quinn liked to rub Finn's back when they sat together in the choir room, and now Finn grinned at Quinn whenever he sang cheesy romantic rock ballad during Glee.

Jesse showed up towards the end of March. UCLA seemed to be taking its toll on him because his hair was longer and he looked older. He strolled through the auditorium doors one afternoon like he owned the place and effortlessly joined in on the song she was working on. Her shock at seeing him was evident, but she didn't falter on her performance.

"Jesse," she said breathlessly after their impromptu duet came to an end.

"Hello Rachel," he greeted, a genuine smile playing on his lips. "It's good to see you again."

Rachel soon learned that college did indeed take a toll on Jesse, so much so that he failed out after the first semester and had been living at home since December. He didn't have the courage to face her, he told her, and then he apologized for the egg incident. She found herself shrugging and telling him it was ok, that she forgave him, but really it was not ok. She did forgive him, because he seemed sincere enough in his apology, but she still had some scars from being publicly humiliated and cruelly tossed aside by a boy she maybe sort of loved.

"So what have you been up to since you've been back in Ohio?" Rachel asked once they got some of the initial awkwardness out of the way.

Jesse's eyes lit up as he bagan to tell her about an acclaimed director from New York currently working out of Columbus with a local play write, who had reportedly been garnering a lot of buzz. If the endeavor in Columbus was successful, they'd take the play off-Broadway in New York before inevitably hitting the Great White Way. And Jesse had been chosen as the male lead after a rigorous audition process, he revealed.

"Wow, that's amazing! Congratulations, Jesse!" Rachel gushed, visibly excited for her ex-boyfriend. There was no bitterness or insincerity in her voice when she did so either because Rachel Berry was genuinely happy to see a Broadway dream realized, even when the dreamer cracked eggs on her head a year earlier.

"Thanks. But that's not even the best part," Jesse said excitedly. "I got you an audition. You'd be perfect for the part, Rach. It's about two kids from Ohio who wind up stuck in a life they don't want. It's angsty and a little dark, but passionate and romantic at the same time. Plus, the music is great. This is us, Rachel. We are this play" He speaks so passionately about the project that Rachel can't help but get pulled in.

Rachel sits momentarily stunned. "Me? Audition for a part in a real musical? With a Broadway director?" she finally stammers out in disbelief.

"Yes, you," Jesse replies sounding so sure of the idea. "I already showed Mr. Ellis a recording of you from Sectionals last year and he's willing to have you audition despite you're being a minor. Underage actors are significantly more difficult to work with, but he's willing to make an exception because you're that good."

"You showed him a tape of me?" she asked, a bit embarrassed but also flattered. She wondered what this Mr. Ellis was like and what he thought of her.

"I had to because I knew that once he saw you, once he heard you, he wouldn't want anyone else. Just be ready Friday after school, I'll pick you up. Ok?"

She took a moment to think it over. It'd be a great opportunity to break into the business and a perfect distraction from Finn and McKinley in general. She'd have to get her parents' permission, but she doubted that'd be a problem. Rachel flashed Jesse a bright smile and nodded. "I'll be ready. Thank you, Jesse."


	2. Chapter 2

It was Monday when Jesse sprung the prospect of auditioning for her most important role to date on her, so Rachel didn't have much time to prepare for Friday's audition with Mr. Ellis. Luckily, she had a wide array of meticulously rehearsed song choices in her repertoire to serve her in such a predicament. Settled onto her bed, she calls Kurt that afternoon to share her excitement and maybe get some tips on song selection.

"So Jesse, huh?" Kurt asked after she's through explaining the afternoon's events to him. "You sure this is a good idea, Rachel?"

"I know Jesse and I have history," she began in response as her hands idly fidgeted with the ears of the stuffed money in her lap.

"A history of eggs," Kurt muttered contemptuously in interruption.

Rachel made an expression of displeasure despite Kurt's inability to see it over the phone. "He made a mistake, Kurt. He's apologized and he presented me with a wonderful opportunity."

"Mmhmm," Kurt hummed. "And what else has he _presented y_ ou with?" he asked suggestively. Kurt couldn't stand Jesse St. James last year and his new found friendship with Rachel only made him dislike the guy even more now.

"It's not like that, Kurt," Rachel insisted. "We're just going to try to be friends and hopefully be able to work together."

"How do you know this isn't another one of his little games?" Kurt asked worriedly. "Who knows what his motives are this time."

Rachel sighed in disappointment and clutched the stuffed monkey closer to her chest. She had hoped Kurt would share in her excitement, not lecture her about Jesse. "He was sincere in his apology and that's what matters. Now, I'd prefer not to dwell on the past. How about you help me pick an audition song?" she suggested brightly as she folded her legs under herself so that she was sitting Indian style.

Her voice was so hopeful that Kurt could't bring himself to continue to rain on her parade with his skepticism, after all she had expressly asked them all not to a while ago. "Sure, what do you have in mind?"

After some heated discussion and light arguing with her friend, Rachel settled on "My Man" from Funny Girl as her audition piece. It was the perfect song to showcase her superior vocal ability and convey her impressive emotional depth. Even Kurt seems keen to the idea.

Rachel hung up the phone and started to go over the scene from the play she would read with Jesse on Friday. Jesse had supplied her with a copy of the musical earlier and she was absolutely in love with the role of Emily. She needed this part.

Jesse suggested they meet to rehearse the scene the next day to work on their already existing chemistry and Rachel readily agreed. Showing that she had a good rapport with the play's star could only bode well for her, she figured. They met Tuesday afternoon at Jesse's house and practiced till 11pm, at which point her dad phoned her and told her she better get home that instant. When they weren't acting out the scene, Rachel was rehearsing her song and taking notes from Jesse after each run through. They repeated the process on Wednesday and again on Thursday, and despite the unreasonably short amount of time she had to ready herself, Rachel felt prepared for the audition.

* * *

Friday morning came and Rachel strutted down the halls of McKinley with her head held high and Barbra Streisand's voice blaring through her iPod headphones. Her Daddy always told her positive thought was key to success and she was much too busy imagining all the ways her life would change when she becomes a famous Broadway actress to be concerned with petty high school drama and teasing.

"Hey Rach, wait up," Finn called after her between second and third period. She couldn't hear him over the music playing directly into her ears so he jogged over and placed a hand on her shoulder as she fingered the combination lock on her locker door.

"Finn," she greeted cheerily after spinning around to find him standing before her. Rachel pulled the earbuds from her ears and placed her iPod in her locker. "What can I do for you?" she asked nonchalantly.

She still missed Finn and it hurt to see him with Quinn, but she had the musical to worry about now. Getting back together with Finn was no longer her top priority.

Finn didn't return her friendly smile or match the ease in her voice. "Uh, I heard Jesse St. James is back and that you're doing some play with him," he blurted out.

Rachel made no qualms about rolling her eyes and letting Finn know just how ridiculous she found this conversation to be. Clearly Kurt was a bigger blabber mouth than she was.

"Yes, Jesse is back, and yes, I might possibly be doing a musical with him if I'm fortunate enough to get the part." She briskly turned away from him and continued to rummage through her locker for the things she'd need next period.

"What are you doing?" Finn demanded, causing her to stop her search. "Why would you want to be around that guy? Don't you remember what he did to you last year?" He sounded genuinely upset, maybe even angry on her behalf, but Rachel wasn't at all moved by his concern. Finn's interest in her life always seemed to coincide with Jesse's presence and she was tired of the jealousy and confusion about her love life. She wanted to be his first choice, not the girl he settled for when there were no better options, and not the girl he didn't want anyone else to have.

Rachel slammed her locker shut harshly before violently whipping her body around to face her ex-boyfriend. "Do you remember what Quinn did to you?" she asked incredulously. Sometimes Rachel wondered if the boy was suffering from a terrible case of amnesia where the blonde was concerned. He didn't seem at all bothered by Quinn's past cheating.

Finn looked momentarily stunned and a bit confused. He hadn't connected the two. Jesse was a douche who played Rachel and Quinn was just Quinn.

"That's different," he stammered out after a moment.

"Why? Because she's Quinn? Because she's beautiful? She only _looks_ like an angel, Finn," Rachel pointed out. She was leaning forward intently and Finn knew from experience that she was about to lay into him. "Did she even apologize?" she continued. "Because Jesse did and he was sincere. If you can forgive her for lying, cheating, and deceiving you in the cruelest of ways, then why shouldn't I be able to forgive Jesse for a much less egregious offense? Besides, what happens between Jesse and I is really none of your business now that you've decided you want nothing to do with me."

"Rachel, that's not true. I still care about you. I don't want this guy to hurt you again," Finn argued somewhat truthfully and Rachel didn't know if she wants to believe him or not.

"Look, thanks for the concern but I can handle my own affairs. And I don't think Quinn will appreciate you talking to me." She shook her head and bit her tongue to prevent herself from revealing anything more about how she felt before turning to leave.

Finn's face paled behind her. "Wait, you two are having an affair?"

Rachel made an audible sound of disbelief before turning around to look at him one last time. "No, Finn," she said tiredly. "I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

"You're not coming to Glee today? We have that emergency meeting to brush up on choreography before Nationals." He sounded sort of dejected, like he thought he failed his mission, like maybe he realized he failed her.

"No, my audition is today at 5:00. Jesse is picking me up after school, we have to drive all the way to Columbus," Rachel explained. She had already spoken to Mr. Schue about it and he was happy to excuse her for the audition. The added dance rehearsal was really for people like Finn who needed the help, she had years of experience dancing and didn't really need the extra practice. 

She didn't fail to notice how he frowns at the mention of Jesse's name. "Oh alright. Well, good luck, Rach. I'm sure you'll do great." The corner of his mouth quirked in a lopsided smile and she softens a bit because she really loved that smile.

"Thank you, Finn."

* * *

Jesse was waiting for her in the parking lot after school. He parked his black SVU in a spot that was clearly marked "Reserved for Faculty" and leaned against the back bumper. When he spotted Rachel jogging over to him in her delicate white and red floral dress he couldn't help but grin.

"You ready for this?" he asked with an excited clap of his hands when she finally reached him.

"I'm more ready for this than I've ever been for anything in my whole life!" Rachel exclaimed excitedly.

Jesse laughed fondly at her enthusiasm and gathered her in a quick hug before opening the passenger door and gesturing for her to step in. "After you, Emily."

Rachel's face lit up at the use of her potential character's name. "Thank you, Jake," she returned with a ridiculously wide smile.

She warmed up her voice in the car since the long drive would leave them little time to prepare in the theatre prior to her audition. Jesse listened contently as she ran through scales and vocal exercises. He always had a soft spot for her voice. He could listen to her sing, or even just talk, all day.

The theater was empty when the pair entered through the back doors. It wasn't the biggest theater Rachel had ever performed in, the auditorium where Regionals was held was much larger, but it was certainly the most intimidating. She wouldn't be judged as part of an ensemble today. If Mr. Ellis didn't like her it could only be her own fault. She loved the spotlight but the sheer weight of it was still a little daunting.

"Mr Ellis is probably in the office in the back. Come on," Jesse said grabbing hold of Rachel's hand and dragging her down the center aisle.

The office was situated amongst the dressing rooms and staging areas in the back of the stage. Rachel glanced in wonder at the props and pieces of scenery designed for the musical as Jesse led her down corridors and around corners.

Giving Rachel's hand one last squeeze, Jesse knocked on Mr. Ellis's office door. There was a muffled call for them to come in and Jesse opened the door and stepped into the tiny room. "Mr. Ellis," he greeted professionally. "This is the girl I've been telling you about, Rachel Berry."

The man put his pen down and carefully looked Rachel over, taking his time to rake his eyes over every inch of her. Rachel took the opportunity to study him in return. Mr. Ellis looked to be in his late 40s, his hair was graying and his forehead wrinkled in thought, but he was quite distinguished looking in his three piece suit and designer glasses. Rachel decided he looked like a director should look.

"God, you're a baby," the older man remarked after his examination.

Rachel couldn't help but look insulted at the remark. Maybe she should have dressed more grown up.

"She can look older with make-up," Jesse returned hastily. "The part only calls for her to be twenty or so, it's not like we're supposed to be middle-aged divorcees."

Mr. Ellis pursed his lips together and returned to his observation of Rachel. "Alright, let's see what she's got," he sighed. If Rachel didn't firmly believe in her abilities to wow an audience she might have been a little put off by his obvious lack of enthusiasm over auditioning her, but instead she was determined to give him something to get excited about.

The trio left the office and walked around to the front of the stage. Mr. Ellis took a seat in the tenth row and Jesse as Rachel positioned themselves in the center of the stage.

"You got this," Jesse whispered before taking his mark.

Rachel only nodded before launching into the scene she had prepared with Jesse. It was an argument between their two characters and she had no problem unleashing her anger on him. Where the book called for Emily to reach out and slap Jake, she delivered such a stinging smack to Jesse's face that both he and Mr. Ellis winced. She had held back while rehearsing with Jesse because she wanted the action to seem more authentic. The scene ended with her begging her lover not to give up on them and she put all the pain and hurt of the past two years into her performance. When she finished she's not even sure if the tears on her face are real or manufactured.

Her hands were shaking with adrenaline when Mr. Ellis called for Jesse to step off to the side so that she could sing. He didn't offer any critique of her acting, just a curt nod and cryptic smirk before he scribbled something down in his notepad. "And what will you be singing today, Miss Berry?" he asked, looking at her over the rims of his glasses.

Rachel straightened her shoulders and looked up confidently. "'My Man' from Funny Girl."

"Ah, more Barbra. Ambitious, aren't we?” Mr. Ellis remarked. “Well, get on with it then."

Rachel lost herself in the song, completely forgetting Jesse's note not to get too carried away with the emotional aspect of the piece and instead focus on the technique. He accompanied her on the piano and although she never glanced over at him, Rachel could feel his eyes on her back as she sings. The last note left her breathless and it took a moment for her to gain her bearings and realize Mr. Ellis is applauding.

"Outstanding!" a voice boomed out from the audience. Mr. Ellis was standing now, gathering his notes and briefcase. "I didn't think a high school girl could pull off the emotional maturity of this role, and I only agreed to meet with you because Curly over there insisted, but Rachel, I think you'll do just fine. We start rehearsing Monday afternoon. Good job, kid," he finished with a wink.

Mr. Ellis quickly disappeared out a side exit and Rachel was still starring wide-eyed at the swinging door when Jesse wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and lifted her off the stage floor.

"I knew it!" he yelled excitedly. "I knew you'd be perfect for this!"

"Oh my God, Jesse... I got the part! I got the part!" Rachel exclaimed.

Jesse set her down and spun her around to face him. "I know, Rach. I was standing right there," he grinned playfully. "Was there ever any doubt?"

She smiled happily before leaping up to hug him tightly. "I can't believe it. Thank you for getting me this audition and for working with me this past week."

"Glad I could one day say I had a hand in getting the critically acclaimed and wildly famous Broadway star Rachel Berry her first big break," Jesse said with a flourish. "Even if it was a little painful," he added rubbing his cheek exaggeratedly.

"Sorry about that," Rachel blushed. "I wanted it to seem real."

"Well it certainly felt real," Jesse returned with a laugh. "Besides, I probably deserve a slap or two." He didn't need to elaborate because he could tell by her sad smile that Rachel understood he was once again apologizing for the events of last year.

"Jesse, this is going to change everything. I can feel it." Rachel slipped from Jesse's grasp and squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to mentally save the moment in her head. She wanted to remember how she felt at this very second forever. Opening her eyes again and turning back to Jesse she said, "Can you imagine if this show makes it to New York and we get to play the roles we originated here on Broadway? All our hard work will have actually paid off."

"I know. It's amazing. You're amazing," he mused staring down at her. There was a tense moment of silence before he leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss.

"Jesse," Rachel breathed out breaking the kiss. "We can't."

  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

"We can't."

Jesse's eyes were still closed when she pulled away and Rachel was thankful he couldn't see the horrified look on her face. "I'm sorry Jesse, I just don't think this," she paused to gesture between their two bodies, "is a good idea right now."

Jesse released an audible sigh and shook his head. "Don't apologize. I shouldn't have done that. I got caught up in the moment."

"We're going to be working together now and I don't want to complicate things," Rachel explained cautiously. "I just think we'd be better as friends. For now." She wasn't ready to completely eliminate Jesse as a possibility because she did have feelings for him, but the feel of eggs cracking on her skull was still too vivid and her love for another boy had yet to fade.

"I understand. I'm sorry. It won't happen again," Jesse assured her. "Unless of course it's scripted," he added with a grin.

Rachel smiled brightly to signal her acceptance of his apology and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear with a shy nod. "Alright, then lets just forget this happened and move on."

Jesse returned her smile but not her sentiments. Sure, he got caught up in the excitement of Rachel landing a dream role, but really he'd been thinking of kissing her since he saw her in the auditorium on Monday. The moment had just seemed like the perfect reason, but he was wrong. She didn't feel that way about him anymore and he really couldn't blame her. He was still marveling over the fact that she forgave him in the first place, but Rachel Berry was full of surprises and too forgiving for her own good. If all she wanted was friendship then he'd do his best to keep things friendly, he owed her that. 

\-----------------------------

The following Monday, Finn approached Rachel at her desk just before their third period History class began. He'd been curious about the audition she mentioned Friday all weekend but wasn't sure if he could text her over the weekend and ask her about it. They were just barely friends now and sure friends would be interested in that sort of thing, but Quinn wouldn't have been pleased if she found out he was texting his ex-girlfriend. So he didn't, but he really wanted to know if she'd be seeing that jerk Jesse every day.

Rachel was scribbling contently in her notebook when Finn peered down at her, trying to see whose name was in the hearts she'd been drawing. His face contorted in confusion when he fails to recognize either name. "Who's Emily and Jake?" he asked abruptly.

She looked up, clearly started by his voice, before flipping the notebook shut. He kind of felt like a weirdo for spying on her, but he couldn't help looking. He felt even worse about the way Rachel slammed the notebook shut, as if she didn't want him in her business anymore.

"Oh, no one," Rachel finally answered. "Those are just the names of the characters in the musical I'm doing with Jesse. Guess I've just had work on the brain," she smiled shyly.

Finn didn't mean to frown but he instantly feels the corners of his mouth tug down to express his concern. He caught himself pretty quickly and just hoped Rachel didn't notice before he corrected himself with a smile. He really was happy for her, he just wished Jesse wasn't involved in this play because he suspected the guy was just as much of a douche as he was last year and Rachel didn't deserve that.

"So you got the part?" he asked after awkward staring at her hands for a few seconds too long.

"Yes, I start rehearsals this afternoon," Rachel beamed proudly. "And it's such an amazing part," she gushed.

"Great. Can't wait to see you in it," he told her genuinely.

Rachel brightened at the idea of people coming to see her, she had been so focused on getting to perform in a real musical that she hadn't even stopped to think about all the people who would be watching in amazement. "You'd come?" she asked hopefully.

Finn grinned down at her affectionately. "Of course, Rach. I wouldn't miss your big break."

"Oh, it's going to be so amazing!" she exclaimed.

Finn just smiled and took the seat to her left. Quinn wasn't in this class with them so he wouldn't catch crap from her for sitting next to Rachel. It wasn't like Rachel would ever break her intense focus during class to turn and talk to him anyway, but he kind of just liked being next to her. 

\-------------------------------

The rehearsal schedule for the musical was a bit intense, but nothing Rachel couldn't handle. The company only had two months until opening night and that meant rehearsal three nights a week and all day Saturday and Sunday. On the days she didn't have musical rehearsal, Rachel had Glee practice, but she basically got to perform in some capacity every day of the week so she couldn't complain. She did have to forego all of her other extra curricular classes and activities, but it was a sacrifice she was more than willing to make.

Jesse once again picked her up after school to take her to the first day of rehearsal. "Hey, Emily," he greeted with a smirk.

"Good afternoon, Jake," Rachel returned happily.

"You excited to meet the rest of the cast?" Jesse asked once they had been driving for a while.

Rachel nodded and pulled on her seat-belt a bit. "Excited but nervous. I hope they like me," she answered honestly.

Jesse answered without diverting his eyes from the road, his voice even, "Being liked isn't everything, Rach. I'm sure they'll all be wildly jealous of your talent and resent you for it. Not to mention, you were the last person cast, which means we've all had time to bond and now you're basically just walking into the lion's den unarmed. And most of them are older...harder… bitter. Your fresh face and bright optimism will just remind them of all the opportunities they missed out when they were younger."

Rachel could feel her face flush with anxiety. "Oh my God! I didn't even think of that! You guys bonded? When?" she asked frantically. "Oh no, I'm going to be the cast outsider! I won't be invited out with you guys and they'll all make fun of me when I'm not around! Jesse, maybe this was a bad idea."

Laughter from the driver's seat broke Rachel out of her panic induced rant. "Why are you laughing?" she demanded. "Don't you laugh at me!"

"Rach, relax. I made all that up. I was just messing with you." Jesse glanced over at the clearly irritated girl besides him and grinned wider. "I can't believe you fell for that."

Rachel glared in annoyance at Jesse before extending her hand.

"Ow! What'd you hit me for?" he asked after Rachel slapped at his shoulder. It was so delicate and girly that Jesse hardly felt it, but he still felt the need to make a dramatic show of being wounded.

"I can't believe you'd do that! You know how nervous I am about this!" she accused angrily.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh." He paused to glance at her and removed a hand from the wheel to stroke her thigh assuredly. "Look, I met some of the cast already. They're nice people, they'll like you. Don't stress it."

"Easy for you to say," she grumbled, crossing her hands over her chest childishly. "You're charming. I didn't have a single friend I hadn't made out with till Kurt and I got over our differences a couple months ago." 

"You make out with all your friends?" Jesse asked in surprise. "Even the girls?" Why didn't he know that about her?

"I meant that the only people who were ever nice to me were the boys I've dated, and that never lasted," she clarified with an annoyed glance. "I know how everyone at school sees me and I just want this to be different."

"It will be, Rach," Jesse told her softly. "These people are like us. They get it."

"I hope so. Do you think Mr. Ellis will regret picking me? Should I try to tone down my personality? Mr. Schue is always saying I have a terrible attitude. Maybe Mr. Ellis will think the same if I question his direction. Should I not voice my opinions? I know no one likes to be told when they're doing something wrong, but sometimes I just can't help it! What if his vision is dreadful and his direction is boorish?" she asked in horror. "Do I bite my tongue and carry on as if I'm in ignorance?"

"Well, I wouldn't go around calling his work dreadful and boorish," Jesse suggested. "But I wouldn't change anything about how you conduct yourself either. Mr. Ellis knows what he's doing and he picked you, that means something. And trust me, he knows you're insanely over the top from your audition."

"I was not over the top in my audition!" Rachel cried in outrage.

"You slapped me and then cried during your song!"

"Both of those things were not only appropriate, but necessary and authentic to the performance!" she defended hotly.

"I know, Rachel. That's why you got the part, because you bring your emotion to the character, and all your craziness that goes with it. If you start pulling back because you're worried about people liking you then your performance is going to suffer for it. Just go in there and do what you were hired to. If you get some new friends out of the deal, then great. If not, then who cares? You'll have your awards to keep you company in the future. There's no better friends than Tony and Oscar," he finished with a grin.

Rachel turned away from Jesse to consider his words. He was right in a sense, the most important thing was that she performed her role well, but was it so wrong to want a little more out of the situation? She had expected to find a built in support system when she joined Glee, she thought she'd get a mentor and a collection of friends with a shared interest, but she wore on Mr. Schue's nerves and irritated her peers. She was determined to make this work on both the professional and personal fronts because while she was fond of trophies and hoped to garner many in her career, she didn't think they'd make very good friends.

They pulled into the theater's parking lot 10 minutes after rehearsal was meant to start. Despite rushing out of school as quickly as possible and practically racing down the highway, it was still a considerable drive to Columbus to make 5 times a week. Rachel didn't mind long car rides, they were relaxing and a great opportunity for listening to music, but she hated being late.

"Hey Jesse and the new girl are here!" a male voice bellowed from the stage when the door to the theater slammed shut behind Jesse and Rachel.

A young woman scrambled to her feet from her spot on the stage floor before calling out, "It's our elusive stars!"

"Sorry we're late," Rachel began apologizing as they made their way down the center isle. There was about a dozen and a half people scattered on the stage and in the first few rows of the theater. "It's a bit of a drive and my chemistry teacher held us a few extra minutes last period."

"Chemistry?" the owner of the male voice, a man who looked to be in his mid twenties with sandy brown hair and green eyes, asked. "I failed high school chemistry twice, I can't even imagine how hard it must be on the college level."

As Rachel and Jesse neared the stage the blush of embarrassment on her fact became visible in the lights. "Um, actually, I'm still in high school," she admitted sheepishly.

"High school?" the woman repeated incredulously. "How old are you again?"

Rachel wished the stage would open up and swallow her whole. "Sixteen," she answered meekly.

There was looks of shock passed between the two before the man spoke. "And we thought Jesse was the baby of the bunch," he laughed. "Don't worry, Jess. You're still the most immature. And the ugliest." He gave Jesse a light punch to the shoulder before slinging an arm around him and laughing.

"Shut up, Luke," Jesse retorted with amusement.

"So do we get to know your name?" the woman asked, her smile showing she meant no harm.

"Oh, how rude of me!" Rachel exclaimed extending her hand to shake her co-star's. "I'm Rachel Berry." 

"I'm Mandy," the woman returned before gesturing to the man. "And this moron is Luke."

"Hey! I'm no moron! And don't worry, Rachel," Luke continued to Rachel. "We'll take care of you here."

Rachel smiled gratefully, more than relieved that they weren't giving her a hard time about her age. "Thank you. It's wonderful to meet you both. Is this the whole cast?"

"Just about," Mandy answered as she scanned the theater. "This is pretty much the whole gang. Except Julia, Scott and Karen, but they're around here somewhere. I'll introduce you to everyone."

Jesse looked around and noted the absence of their director. "So is Mr. Ellis in his lair?" he asked Mandy and Luke knowingly.

Mandy rolled her eyes. "I don't know what the hell he does back there all the time. He must be trying to give J. D. Sallinger a run for his money in the creepy but brilliant loner department. I'll go let him know we're all accounted for," she volunteered before disappearing backstage.

"Guess I should go let Scott and Karen know their smoke break is over," Luke added before excusing himself.

Soon Mr. Ellis made his way to the stage with Mandy and another a young woman trailing behind him. When they reached Jesse and Rachel, the young woman introduced herself as Julia and explained that she'd be playing the part of Emily's sister. It was then that Rachel learned that Mandy's and Luke's characters were the childhood friends of Jesse's and Rachel's characters and the four would have quite a bit of interaction.

Luke returned with the last two members of the main cast. "Hey Rachel! This is Karen and Scott," he announced cheerily. "Don't let their old age fool you, they're surprisingly agile for senior citizens." 

Rachel blushed on their behalf and greeted them with a shy smile and a polite handshake. They were a bit older, maybe late 40s, but certainly not senior citizens. Mandy then linked her arm through Rachel's and shuffled her off to meet a group of cast members sitting in the back left corner of the stage.

Rehearsal got under way and Rachel soon let go of her anxiety over her cast mates liking her. Everyone seemed relatively friendly and she was almost sure she wouldn't be taking any icy cold drinks to the face while in their presence, they all seemed much too mature for those types of juvenile antics anyway.

Mr. Ellis was intense and worked them hard, but Rachel appreciated his work ethic. He didn't smile a whole lot and tended to bark out gruff but imaginative directions at random. During their first break, somewhere around 8pm, Rachel approached the surly director with her script in hand. "Mr. Ellis?"

The older man looked up over his papers to peer at her. "Yes?" he greeted.

"I have a question," she began before pausing to allow him a chance to object to her badgering. When he continued to stare at her expectantly she went on. "Should I be playing Emily more vulnerable? Because I read her as confident and head strong, but her circumstances are pretty trying, so I was thinking there should also be a sense of vulnerability there." 

Mr. Ellis put his papers down on his lap and focused his full attention on his young female lead. "I think you're bringing an adequate amount of vulnerability to the part, Rachel," he said seriously. "After all, vulnerability is pretty ingrained in someone your age. Teens are all brooding and emotional."

"Adequate?" Rachel echoed in horror. She hated the word adequate, she wouldn't settle for being anything less than extraordinary.

"Remember she's not a victim, but she's no hero either. There's a duality to Emily. You need to be strong yet soft at the same time," Mr. Ellis elaborated.

"But it's ok?" she asked as she chewed on her bottom lip. "I mean my portrayal. It's ok?"

"It's still early. You're on the right track, but we'll work on it more. Vulnerability is not a weakness, Rachel. It's a rawness. It's a feeling of exposure," he replied. Mr. Ellis placed his clipboard on the seat next to him and stood up, locking his eyes with Rachel's and stepping closer to her. "What are you feeling right now?"

"What?" Rachel squeaked out. Her director's proximity was making her much more nervous than she wanted to admit.

He leaned further into her person space and maintained his intense eye contact. "How are you feeling at this moment? Are you overwhelmed? Scared? Nervous?" he challenged.

"Yes!" she answered emphatically.

Mr. Ellis laughed and relaxed his gaze. "See, you're vulnerable because you doing something scary, but you're not crying in the corner, are you?" 

"No, of course not."

"Well, that's what I need you to bring to Emily. A determination, with a little bit of hesitation. But don't turn into a sad sack. Those two parts of her may be battling it out, but she's not letting the soft part win. Do you understand?"

Rachel nodded and smiled. "Yes. Thank you."

Mr. Ellis gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze and excused himself to his office while the actors took their dinner break.

On the ride home, Rachel gushed about the show and Mr. Ellis and confided in Jesse that she thought Mandy and Luke might really like her and maybe they could all hang out some time. She was talking so excitedly about rehearsal that she failed to notice when Jesse finally drove into Lima.

"Slow down, Rach," Jesse laughed as she recounted a joke Luke told. "I was there too, remember?"

"Sorry," Rachel replied ducking her head in embarrassment. "It just went really well today and I'm so happy. Didn't you think it went well?"

Jesse nodded his agreement. "Yes. Very well. Remind me not to give you coffee after 6pm ever again though."

It was nearly midnight when she walked through her front door. Her fathers had called her at ten before they went to bed to say their good nights and instruct her to get right to bed when she got home. Initially, they were less than thrilled with the idea of her taking on such a time consuming endeavor, but they trusted their daughter and knew how much doing this musical meant to her, so after some careful consideration and in depth discussions of schedules and rules, they finally agreed. She'd have to forego her morning elliptical routine in order to sleep to 7:30 am and get the 7 hours of sleep a night her fathers mandated, but she didn't mind too much. She was also warned that if her grades slipped even the slightest bit, she'd be pulled from the production immediately. Her dads were the kindest people she knew, but she didn't doubt their threats. So every free minute she had, including all her free periods at school and breaks at the theater, was spent studying or doing homework. She was busy but she was loving it. 


	4. Chapter 4

The Tuesday after her first rehearsal was going surprisingly well for Rachel at school. She wasn't slushied once and the day's only low point came when Santana openly mocked her purple tights in the hallway, telling her that those tights paired with her green polk a dot dress made her look like the world's most unappetizing bunch of grapes. Still, the insult only caused her stew for a second or two before she forged forward. 

Sure, it still hurt when her classmates taunted her, but Rachel Berry was sort of over high school. Perhaps she was getting a little ahead of herself, because landing the role in Mr. Ellis's play certainly didn't guarantee her success in the future, but she was pretty confident that she was currently closer to her goals than anyone else at the school, and that made her feel pretty good. She already knew there was something more waiting for her outside of the walls of McKinley, while most of her peers couldn't see beyond high school or Lima. 

The play didn't rehearse on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which worked out perfectly for Rachel because Glee met on those days. She entered the choir room and quietly took her seat, but was promptly swarmed by her fellow club members, asking questions about the play and when it would open. Rachel, of course, fielded their inquiries graciously, excited to be the center of attention without prompting. 

Mr. Schue was pretty supportive about the whole thing, assuring Rachel he'd be in the audience on opening night. She smiled widely and told him she'd reserve a seat for him in the front row next to her fathers. 

Kurt, fresh off his transfer back to McKinley from Dalton Academy, also promised he'd be there on opening night, with Blaine in tow. He informed Rachel that he already had his outfit picked out and asked if the production team needed any help with wardrobe. 

Puck asked her if there would be any nudity in the play. Rachel responded with righteous indignation before explaining that there were a couple of "scenes of passion," but if Puck was looking for something salacious, he should stick to Cinemax. Puck just shrugged and said that "scenes of passion" sounded hot enough and that he too would be there. 

Tina and Mercedes discussed going together, and Mike and Sam agreed that it might be cool to check it out. 

Finn looked like he wanted to join the conversation, but Quinn's scowl and firm hand on his arm kept him in place. 

Rachel couldn't help smiling throughout the first fifteen minutes of practice. Her teammates not only seemed happy for her, but were actually interested in seeing her perform. 

The group began to discuss Nationals and Rachel was honestly a little surprised because Nationals were still a couple months away and they never started rehearsing for a competition this early.

When Mr. Schue asked if anyone had any ideas for their setlist, Quinn's hand instantly shot up. 

"I think Finn and I should sing a duet," she suggested primly, pointedly glaring at Rachel as she she spoke. "Since we're together now I think it would be wise to use our chemistry to our advantage while performing. Plus, we make great spokesmodels for the club. We're both popular and aesthetically pleasing, the judges will love us." 

Finn looked kind of embarrassed and squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. He wouldn't mind singing with Quinn, but he didn't think their looks would please the judges all that much. 

"A bag of rocks has more chemistry than you guys," Santana snarked, causing the group to laugh appreciatively. 

Mr. Schue seemed hesitant about the idea. "Okay, maybe. Did you two have a particular song in mind?"

"Something way better than that god-awful "Faithfully" mess from last year. This way we might actually win," Quinn replied bitterly. 

Rachel considered defending her and Finn's Regional performance from the previous year, but quickly swallowed the urge. She knew she and Finn did an amazing job with the song and their last place finish didn't reflect the quality of their performance, but she also knew there was no use in explaining so to Quinn. 

"I thought me and Rachel sounded pretty good together last year," Finn muttered with a shrug. It was evident from the way he nervously shifted his eyes around the room that he was a little afraid to admit such a thing in front of his girlfriend. 

"So you would rather sing with that thing again than sing with me?" Quinn snapped harshly. 

Finn pulled his hand from his girlfriend's grasp and ran it over his face tiredly. "Of course I want to sing with you, but Rachel and I killed it at Regionals last year."

"We lost, Finn! So you two weren't that great. Or are you so stupid that you forgot?" she shrieked. 

Rachel couldn't hold her tongue any longer and rose from her seat to address the blonde. "Don't call him stupid! He's not stupid and that's not a very nice thing to say to your boyfriend." 

Quinn caught the way Finn's lips twitched into a smile at Rachel's words and shot out of her seat to point threateningly at Rachel. "Listen, you ugly little freak, don't think you're going to get your grubby man-hands on my guy again!" 

"Hey! That's enough!" Mr. Schue shouted over his students, hoping to diffuse the situation before it escalated. "Quinn, Rachel, please sit down. I'm very disappointed with the shouting and name calling I'm hearing in this room. You guys are supposed to be a team."

"Ugh, I'm so over this Rachel, Finn and Quinn drama," Santana said with a sigh. "Can we please get off this relationship merry-go-round because I'm getting seriously nauseous." 

"There's no drama," Rachel answered. "Finn and Quinn are together and that's that. I'm not sure why I was attacked today," she continued with an annoyed glance in Quinn's direction, "but I think it'd be best if we simply moved on." 

"Yes. Thank you, Rachel. Let's move on now," Mr. Schue said trying to reign in his students. "So does everyone agree that we should perform a duet at Nationals?" 

There was a chorus of nodding and mumbled verbal agreements. 

"But I don't think Finn and Quinn should get it just because they're dating, or doing whatever it is people call not having sex with each other," Puck called out. "I mean who says whoever duets has to be romantically involved? Can't we just pick the two people who will perform together the best?" 

"Yeah," Mercedes agreed readily. "I'd love to duet with my man Kurt." 

"You two would sound amazing together!" Rachel gushed, earning herself a smile from both Kurt and Mercedes. 

Mr. Schue considered Puck's proposal. "Okay. Maybe we can hold some auditions. I'd like to decide who will do the duet first, and then we can set the leads for the group piece accordingly," he told the kids. "We know Finn and Quinn will be trying out, and I take it I can add Mercedes and Kurt to the list as well?" 

Mercedes and Kurt exchanged a wink and a carefully practiced handshake before nodding their consent at their teacher. 

"Anyone else?" Mr. Schue wondered as he wrote the four students' names on the white board. 

Puck cleared his throat and straightened up in his seat. "I'd like a crack at it." 

"You want to sing lead at a competition?" Mike pipped up. 

Puck shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest menacingly. "Yeah, imagine how badass our duet will be with me on lead male vocals," he replied smugly. 

"I don't do duets, Puckerman," Lauren interjected. "I admit Glee club hasn't been the total suckfest I thought it would be, but I ain't getting up in front of all those people and singing a sappy love song with you." 

"Rach, how about you sing with me?" Puck asked leaning forward and looking down at her from his seat on the top riser. 

"Um," Rachel began hesitantly. "I would love to, Noah, but," she trailed off glancing towards Mercedes and Kurt, "I got my chance to shine at Regionals and others deserve their shot now." 

"Come on, Rachel. Just go for it," Kurt urged. "Everyone who wants to audition should get the chance, and you know you want to." 

"Yeah," Mercedes agreed. "And we don't need you to bow out on our behalf. Kurt and I are gonna bring it and we'll win this thing fair and square," she said with a grin. 

Rachel laughed and chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully. Of course she would love to sing lead at Nationals, but she had a lot of opportunities that some of the others didn't and maybe it wouldn't be fair to take another. 

"We should go with whichever pair is the best, and if that includes Rachel then who cares if she got to sing at Regionals? I just want to win," Sam added. 

"Ok," Rachel conceded softly. "I would be honored to audition with you, Noah." 

Puck clapped his hands together loudly. "You're going down, Hudson," he taunted from behind his friend. 

Most of the group paired off to discuss auditioning for the coveted duet at Nationals. Mike and Brittany decided to bow out, leaving Tina and Artie to audition together. Santana cajoled Sam into auditioning with her, going on about how he was the only one left and how she wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to beat both Rachel and Quinn at something just because all the normal-mouth-sized people were taken. 

"You sure Lauren won't mind that you're singing with me?" Rachel asked when Puck came down to join her in the front row. 

"Nah, she's cool. She's not the jealous type." Puck turned to wink at his girl, who was too busy playing Tiny Wings on her phone to respond. 

Rachel smiled. "So did you have any ideas for our duet?"

Finn spent the next 20 minutes of Glee zoning out while Quinn railed at him for not supporting her earlier and accused him of still being into Rachel. He couldn't really deny it because he was starting to think that maybe he was still into Rachel. He hated that Quinn called her ugly in front of everyone because he knew how insecure Rachel was about her looks, and he hated that he didn't defend Rachel against Quinn the way Rachel defended him when Quinn called him stupid. But Quinn was his girlfriend and she could be seriously scary when she was pissed off. Maybe he should text Rachel an apology or something. 

He glanced over at Rachel, who was chatting animately with Puck on the other end of the choir room. She had her pink binder in her lap and was writing and gesturing frantically while Puck alternatively nodded and rolled his eyes. Finn wondered what they would sing, if it would be a love song, and if they would stare longingly into each other's eyes as they performed. Rachel had the most expressive eyes he'd ever seen. Sure, Rachel had assured him that she wasn't interested in Puck romantically, and that her little dalliance with him before Sectionals was done out of pain and spite, plus Puck had Lauren now, but part of him was a little worried that they'd fall for each other while practicing some cheesy romantic ballad. 

Finn felt guilty for having these thoughts, he shouldn't be worrying about who Rachel was rehearsing plays with or practicing love songs with. He was with Quinn now and she deserved his undivided attention, but he definitely was worried. He didn't want Rachel falling for some other guy again and he knew how easily Rachel fell. When he broke up with Rachel, officially broke up with her at the Christmas tree lot, he was so angry and hurt that he really thought he'd never want to be with her again, but the pain was starting to fade. Rachel made a mistake, but so had he. And maybe he rushed back into things with Quinn because he thought it'd help him get closure, he thought he'd be able to find out how things would have played out last year if there had been no baby drama, but he was starting to realize that it wasn't just Quinn's cheating with Puck and lying about Beth that broke them apart, they just didn't work together. He wasn't happy with Quinn, and from the way Quinn was currently yelling at him he had a feeling she wasn't happy with him either. 

"So what do you think? Finn? Finn! Are you even listening to me? Finn!" Quinn's voice pierced through his thoughts sharply. 

Finn looked at his girlfriend dumbly for a moment. "What?" 

"I said we should do that Taylor Swift song as our duet. What do you think?" Quinn asked, annoyance detectable in her voice. 

"I think we should break up." 

Quinn froze. "What?" 

"I, uh, no," Finn sputtered, waving his hands and turning in his stupid plastic chair that was too small for him to focus on his girlfriend. "I didn't mean that." Except he absolutely meant it, he just didn't mean to say it out loud in front of the entire Glee club at that precise moment. And he definitely didn't mean to say it so loud that the rest of the club would hear and stare at them intently. 

"You didn't mean to break up with me in front of a room full of people? You didn't mean to embarrass me?" Quinn asked scornfully. "It's that goddamn tranny, isn't it?" she demanded, drawing Rachel's attention from across the room. "She's been throwing herself at you since you dumped her and you fell for it. I can't believe this is happening again!" 

Finn tried to calm down Quinn as the rest of the group looked on hungrily, the couple was putting on quite the show and they were a rapt audience. He tried to explain that he thought they'd both be happier apart, and then apologized for breaking up with her in the worst possible way, but Quinn continued to rant and blame Rachel for his decision. Finn knew she was just upset, but he really wished Quinn would stop calling Rachel a troll and a transvestite.

Mr. Schue dismissed the club, but everyone stayed in their seats listening to Quinn berate Finn, except Rachel, who slipped out of the room somewhere between the third and fourth insult Quinn hurled at her. 

Rachel was looking forward to Wednesday's musical rehearsal. School had been tense all day as Quinn shot her withering glares and Finn did his best to corner her into a conversation she wasn't yet ready to have. She had escaped the worst of Quinn's wrath and successfully managed to avoid Finn all day, but she was physically and emotionally drained. Jesse pulling up into McKinley's parking lot at 3:00 o'clock sharp was a welcomed sight. 

"Long day?" Jesse asked when she slumped down into the passenger seat and closed her eyes. 

"Very," Rachel answered simply before reaching out and turning the radio volume up.

The next couple of days passed in a blur. Rachel was still avoiding Finn, which was clearly confusing the boy, while throwing herself fully into play rehearsal. She spent the majority of Thursday's Glee practice working with Noah on their audition piece so that she wouldn't have to respond to Finn's pleading looks. 

"What's with you and Hudson?" Puck asked as he tuned his guitar. "It's like you two are never on the same page when it comes to being into each other." 

Rachel shook her head regretfully. She wasn't even sure what her problem was now, all she knew was that she had finally gotten to a pretty good place without Finn. She had the play, and a few new friends, and she didn't want to go back to feeling like she did before all that came along. And if things with Finn didn't work out again, she'd definitely be back to being the sad hopelessly love-sick girl she was before she landed the role of Emily. She wanted to be with Finn again so badly, but she absolutely hated being that girl. Maybe with a little more time she'd be strong enough to take another chance with Finn. 

"Can we just work on the song, Noah?" Rachel asked tiredly. 

Puck grinned at her over his guitar. "Sure thing, Princess." 

But time was apparently not on her side because the very next day Finn blocked her path into their third period History class. 

"What's going on with you? I thought you wanted to get back together?" he asked, his large frame easily filling the doorframe. 

Rachel gazed under his arm to see Mrs. Handley still seated at her desk, the day's lesson yet to begin. "We have class, Finn," she said as she tried to squeeze past him.

"No, we're talking about this now. We're way more important than some stupid history class," he declared. 

Rachel let herself be led away from the classroom door by Finn's strong hand on her elbow. "I did want to get back together. I still do," she admitted quietly once they found themselves in a near empty corridor. 

"So why are you avoiding me like I have some sort of community disease?" the boy implored. 

"Communicable," Rachel corrected. "And I just need some time. I'm confused, Finn," she answered truthfully. 

Finn furrowed his brow. "Confused about what? About us? What's there to be confused about?" 

With a quick glance around the clearing hallway, Rachel sighed, "These last few months. You and Quinn. Everything. I'm so tired of fighting for a boy who doesn't want me." 

"I want you!" he cried earnestly. "These last few months were a mistake. I should have never gotten back together with Quinn. I was upset, ok? You know what it's like to do something stupid when you're upset, don't you?" he finished, his voice growing more cutting in tone. 

Rachel frowned at his allusion to her brief indiscretion with Puck. "Yes. And I also know what it's like to not be forgiven for doing something stupid when you're upset," she replied coldly. "I have a lot going on right now, Finn. I can't just drop everything and come running back to you because you decided you want to give it another go!" 

"I'm not asking you to drop everything!" Finn said exasperatedly. "I just realized how miserable I was without you and how much better everything is when you're around. I tried so hard to get over you, but I couldn't, and why should I get over you when I could have you? When we could have each other?" 

"Finn," Rachel started warily. She had wanted this for so long, she had spent hours imagining Finn coming to this very realization in dramatic fashion and rushing to find her so that he could deliver some over the top romantic speech about how much he loved her, and now he doing just that, but she wasn't overcome with the need to throw herself into his arms like she did in her daydreams. Instead she was afraid of what would happen this time around and kind of pissed about what had happened last time. "You just broke up with Quinn," she reminded him. "I won't be the other girl." 

"You're not the other girl!" Finn insisted. "You're the girl. The only girl I want. The only girl I'm ever going to want." 

Rachel could feel her resolve faltering. She wanted to smile, or cry, or just kiss Finn right then. He was so cute when he was determined, and she really did want this just as much as he seemed to. "Let's just give it some time, Finn. We keep jumping into things and then we wonder what went wrong. I know I hurt you and I feel terrible about it, but I've been hurt too. So take some time to get over Quinn and then we'll talk. You focus on yourself for a bit and I'll focus on me. Ok?" 

"I am over Quinn! I was never even under Quinn!" he argued, his eyes widening comically when he realized what he'd said. "I didn't mean it like that!" he added quickly. "I mean, it's true we never... I never was under her in any sense…I mean we did stuff, but she's still into that celibacy thing, well back into it I guess after the whole baby mess, which is cool because I know you're into it too, but not because of religious stuff like Quinn, but just because you are, and I'm totally fine with waiting for-" 

"Finn," Rachel cut off. "Stop talking." 

Finn chucked nervously because Rachel was sort of smiling and didn't seem all that angry about his case of verbal diarrhea. "I can't believe Rachel Berry is telling me to stop talking," he joked. 

"I'm a little shocked myself," she agreed with a smile, "but you were sort of embarrassing yourself." 

His eyes darkened and he reached for her hand. "I'm serious, Rachel. I don't need time. I just need to be your boyfriend again." 

Rachel reached up to turn the collar on his jacket down with a small smile. "I can't do it again, Finn," she said softly. "Losing you broke my heart, and I'm a completely different person when my heart is broken. I can't become that person again." 

Finn seemed to realize that this was something Rachel needed. "Okay, I'll give it some time. We don't have to rush into anything, we can be friends for now, but Rachel, I'm not giving up on us being together. Really being together. So do whatever you need to do and I'll be here when you decide you're ready," he said firmly, his trademark lopsided smile in place.   
\-----------------------------------------

On Sunday, after the whole cast had rehearsed for six hours, Mr. Ellis dismissed everyone except for Rachel and Jesse. The director said he wanted some alone time with his lead actors. 

Rachel didn't think anything of the extra rehearsal time because she and Jesse had a lot of scenes together and it only made sense that as the leads they put more time into the production.

After running through two different scenes under Mr. Ellis's watchful eye, the older man joined his young actors on stage. 

"Not bad," he said circling the pair thoughtfully. "But Jesse, I want you to be angrier in the kitchen scene. More forceful. Your girl just betrayed you. You're pissed! And Rachel, more desperation. Emily has screwed up and is now throwing herself at Jake in hopes he'll stay. You need to convince him staying in Ohio is worth it. Can you do that?" 

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I'll try." 

"Don't try, just do it!" Mr. Ellis snapped, startling the girl. "Let's do it again." 

Rachel and Jesse did the scene three times. It wasn't the only time the script called for the duo to kiss, but it was definitely the most passionate of the kisses they were to share. Despite their history, or maybe because of it, Rachel thought her chemistry with Jesse was rather palpable and was surprised to hear Mr. Ellis critique the scene as forced and rigid. 

"Maybe you're just too young to get it," Mr. Ellis sighed after Rachel pulled away from Jesse's embrace. 

Rachel straightened as if she'd just been slapped. "What? No! I'm not! We'll do it again, we'll keep doing it till we get it right," she insisted.

Mr. Ellis walked the length of the stage a couple of times as if he was contemplating something. Jesse looked at Rachel and shrugged, if he was anywhere near as upset at their director's criticism as Rachel, he wasn't showing it. 

"I'm hungry," Mr. Ellis announced suddenly. 

Rachel wondered if it was a requirement for all directors to be slightly crazy, like maybe their creativity came at the cost of their sanity. Mr. Ellis wasn't outright insane, but he was definitely a little odd. 

"Should we take a break? It is getting late." Jesse suggested. It was after seven o'clock and he wouldn't mind some dinner. 

"You should. And go get me an eggplant panini from Gino's. I need to work with our young starlet here," Mr. Ellis said dryly. "Maybe she'll understand what passion means by the time you get back." 

Jesse gave Rachel a sympathetic smile. He had done a couple of plays at UCLA and knew what it was like to work with a difficult director, although most difficult directors didn't send him to Italian restaurants 30 minutes away to get eggplant. "I'll bring you back a salad," he told her before leaving the stage. 

Rachel bit her lip nervously. Was her performance really bad enough to require one-on-one attention from Mr. Ellis? She didn't want to question her director, but she thought he was being a bit hard on her. 

"Would you like me to read the lines again?" Rachel asked hesitantly. She had initially appreciated Mr. Ellis's intensity and passion for his project, but she had to admit he could be a bit scary when he got worked up. 

Mr. Ellis rested his hands on the back of one of the wooden prop chairs that was meant to serve as Emily and Jake's kitchen furniture. "Sit down, Rachel."


	5. Chapter 5

"Sit down, Rachel."

Rachel eyed her director curiously. The direction itself wasn't strange, the opening of the scene did call for her to be sitting down, but there was something strange, something dark, about Mr. Ellis's command.

Casting aside any doubts as unfounded paranoia, Rachel took a seat, neatly smoothing down her skirt as she did. She turned her head to gaze up at Mr. Ellis, who was still standing behind her with his hands on the chair's back. The man seemed busy pondering something off stage so Rachel turned forward again. But his silence and proximity was too unnerving to stand.

"Uh, Mr. Eliis?" she started cautiously.

He cut her off with the lift of his hand. "I think I made a mistake."

"A mistake?" Rachel questioned, turning in her chair to look at the man.

Mr. Ellis nodded. "Yes. This was a mistake. You were a mistake. You're too green for this role, Rachel. You're not ready."

Rachel gasped in horror. "No! I'm not! I'm ready. I'm so ready!"

"I cast you not only because of your talent, although that was obviously a large part of it," Mr. Ellis said thoughtfully, "but because I thought you wanted it more than anyone else. Now, I'm not so sure you really want it."

"What?" Rachel exclaimed, outraged by the claim. "Of course I want this! No one wants this more than me! I've been picturing my first staring role on stage since I was 3 years old! I want this. I want this more than anything!" She started to jump out of her chair, but Mr. Ellis placed his hands on her shoulders to keep her from doing so.

Mr. Ellis shrugged, although his heavy hands on Rachel's shoulders prevented her from turning to see the gesture. "Well, I don't feel it. You don't act like you want this, Rachel."

"I'm trying! Please, tell me what I need to do. I want this performance to be perfect," the girl pleaded desperately. Rachel had always been fairly confident in her abilities so hearing such a scathing critique was a hard pill to swallow.

"You need to make me feel it. Can you do that, Rachel?" he asked lowly. Mr. Ellis started to knead his hands into Rachel's shoulders, massaging her muscles gently. "Can you make me feel it?" he repeated.

"I, uh, I think so," Rachel answered, her body squirming uncomfortably under the older man's touch. She wasn't quite sure what her director was doing, or how to get him to stop, so she babbled on nervously. "Should I re-read the scene? I could probably annunciate my lines more, that might help convey Emily's passion better. I think-"

"Your annunciation is fine, Rachel," Mr. Ellis interrupted briskly.

Granted she hadn't worked with many directors, but Rachel was pretty sure this wasn't normal behavior.

"What about blocking? Do I need to work on that? I thought I had it down, but if you think-"

"No. That's not it either. God, you're so tense," he said.

The pressure of Mr. Ellis's hands on Rachel increased and her shoulders tensed from the firm contact. Rachel tried to shrug off his hands, but he just pressed into her flesh harder.

"Mr. Ellis, I don't think… I don't really need a massage," Rachel squeaked out meekly. She knew she was on thin ice with the director, he had already expressed his doubt about her, and she didn't want to upset him, but he was making her so uncomfortable and she just had to say something.

"I'm just trying to loosen you up. Maybe then you'll be able to feel it," Mr. Ellis countered. "You're not feeling it, Rach. You're not making the audience feel it. You need to make me feel it."

Finally, he broke the contact and walked around to sit in the chair opposite Rachel, who was relieved to be free of her director's touch.

"Feel? Feel what exactly, Mr. Ellis?" she asked, slightly confused by the man's instruction.

"Seduction! Want! Desire!" Mr. Ellis shouted, slamming his hand down on the small wooden table that sat adjacent to the two chairs with each word. "Emily is a temptress. She knows how to get what she wants. Do you?"

Rachel startled at his fury. "I-I don't know," she stammered.

"Your seduction of Jake is flat. It's completely unbelievable that any man would be tempted to sleep with you," he said simply.

Rachel scrunched her face in offense and drew back, clearly insulted by the statement.

"I'm not saying you're not attractive," Mr. Ellis elaborated straightforwardly. "You're a beautiful girl. But you're not desirable. You need to be sexy, you need to make Jake want you more than he wants to go to California."

"I'm sorry, I don't know how. I don't think I'm cut out for sexy," she admitted in a small voice, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. She considered herself a pretty skilled actress, but she didn't believe sexiness was something that could be faked and she was certain she didn't possess it naturally.

"Nonsense!" he declared decisively. "You just need to loosen up, you need to be comfortable with your sexuality on stage, or no one is going to buy into Jake's desire for you."

Rachel nodded dully, unsure of how she was supposed to be comfortable with something she didn't possess.

Mr. Ellis pulled his chair closer to Rachel's, his knee grazing hers lightly. "So are you?" he asked lowly. "Are you comfortable with your sexuality, Rachel?

"I…I suppose so," she lied.

Mr. Ellis looked unconvinced. "You suppose so? You don't know so? Have you ever even been with a man?" he inquired, his eyes raised in amused curiosity.

"Excuse me?" Rachel sputtered in surprise. "I don't think that's relevant. I'm perfectly capable of fulfilling this role with or without sexual experience!" Her voice was increasing in pitch, the bluntness of his question throwing her off balance.

"Oh my. Are you a virgin, Miss Berry?" Mr Ellis pressed, his voice smug and scornful.

Rachel shook her head in disbelief and sat up straighter in her chair. "I-I really don't think that's relevant. And I must say I find this line of questioning rather inappropriate, Mr. Ellis. My personal life has no bearing on my ability to perform as this character, and I would much rather not discuss my sexual history."

"Relax, Rach," Mr. Ellis said with a chuckle. "See, that's just what I was talking about. You're so uptight. You can't even discuss sex like a mature adult."

"I am not uptight!" Rachel protested hotly.

Mr. Ellis laughed openly at her indignation. "Don't worry, I think it's cute. But wouldn't you rather loosen up so you can nail this part? Emily is a sexual being."

"Of course," she conceded, "but like I was trying to say before, what I lack in experience, I make up for in ability and determination-"

"My God, you talk too much," the director cut her off, obviously uninterested in Rachel's explaination. "Let's just rehearse the scene, I doubt anyone will expect much from an unknown kid anyway. We'll just have to re-cast when we make it to New York."

Rachel jumped forward anxiously, her knees knocking into Mr. Ellis's. "No! I can do this! I'll prove it to you, I promise!"

"There you go! There's the fire! Now, let me show you what I was talking about," he replied, matching her urgency with his excitement. "I'll read as Jake."

Mr. Ellis flipped through his copy of the play until he found the scene they were working on. He read the lines Rachel was used to hearing Jesse recite.

Much to Rachel's surprise, Mr. Ellis went in for the scripted kiss. She had only rehearsed that part with Jesse, whom she was more than comfortable kissing, and wasn't sure how to react. Sure, she had done her share of readings with Mr. Ellis over the last week, but he never acted on the directions before. Besides, the scene called for Emily to kiss Jake heatedly, not the other way around, but Mr. Ellis had definitely initiated the kiss.

Just as quickly as he had kissed her, he drew back and slapped the play against his knee. "You see? I'm talking about passion! About desire! Emily wants to devour Jake, she wants to give him a reason to stay. Do you understand?" Mr. Ellis asked.

"I, um, yes. I think so," she replied hazily.

"Then show me," he prompted.

Rachel was thrown. "What?"

"Show me," Mr. Ellis urged, "show me you want to devour me."

"You want me to kiss you?" Rachel implored uncertainly.

"It's part of the scene, isn't it?" he countered, as if her reservations were completely unfounded.

"Well, yes," Rachel agreed hastily, because it was indeed part of the scene, but he was her director, and older than her fathers, and it was just too weird. "But shouldn't I be rehearsing this with Jesse? I'm not sure what good it would be practicing this particular scene without him."

"Stop blabbering and start acting, Rachel! Now, show me!" Mr. Ellis demanded loudly, pounding his fist on the table in irritation.

Rachel delivered a quick peck on the lips where the play called for Emily to desperately kiss Jake after an argument in their kitchen. She just couldn't kiss a man her fathers' age like she would Jesse, or Finn, or any other boy she was interested in.

Mr. Ellis seemed unimpressed with her kiss. "You call that a kiss? Fire, Rach! Where's the fire? The want? The need?" he asked dramatically.

"I thought that was more than sufficient."

"Sufficient? Is that what we're aiming for? You want to be a sufficient actress, Rachel?" Mr. Ellis challenged.

"No, of course not! I want to be the best!" Rachel insisted, outraged at the accusation. Rachel Berry strived for the best, not settled for acceptable.

Mr. Elli's eyes flashed with power. "Then show me!"

Rachel couldn't suppress her frustration at Mr. Ellis's implication. She needed to prove him wrong, she knew she could play this part better than anyone else. Swallowing her hesitation Rachel leaned in and firmly pressed her lips against her mentor's. She had to show him she could do this.

"What was that? You call that passion?" Mr. Ellis cried in disgust. "This is passion!" Without warning he grabbed her face between his hands and slammed his lips against hers, pushing his tongue into her mouth when her lips parted slightly in shock. She had limited experience with stage kisses, but she knew enough to know that tongue was not required.

Rachel managed to pull out of his firm hold after a few moments and scrambled to her feet hastily, her fingertips ghosting lightly over her just kissed lips.

"Mr. Ellis, I don't... I think maybe we've rehearsed enough for today. Jesse isn't even here to read with me, perhaps it'd be best if we postponed working till he returns."

"You don't think I'm a suitable stand-in for that curly-haired pretty boy?" Mr. Ellis asked darkly, the edge to his voice frightening.

Rachel shook her head franticly. "No, no you make a wonderful Jake," she said trying to placate him. "I just think it's important that Jesse and I work on our chemistry for the play, you know?

"Chemistry? What would a virgin know about chemistry?" he scoffed. "You're doing it again and this time I don't want to sense any hesitation from my lead actress, or I won't hesitate to find someone who could properly play the part!"

Rachel was taken aback by Mr. Ellis's tone. The man sounded so angry and upset, and she didn't doubt his threat to recast the part. He did take a risk in giving her the role in the first place, as Emily was a few years older than she. It was Mr. Ellis's faith in her to play such a mature role that first sparked Rachel's professional admiration for the man, but now he was just inspiring fear and anxiety in her.

So once again, Rachel dutifully took her seat opposite her director on the stage and began to recite her lines. She hoped her delivery wasn't too compromised by her nerves, but she was pretty sure her hands were trembling slightly.

When it came time for the kiss she tried to push aside any feelings of doubt or discomfort and just go for it. She was supposed to be a professional, and professionals didn't get thrown by having to kiss an older man. Besides, if she took further issue with it Mr. Ellis would definitely send her packing and she wouldn't be able to ever show her face in public again if she got fired from her first real role.

Rachel closed her eyes and leaned forward to kiss the older man. She decided she'd fight the urge to instantly pull away and maintain the kiss for at least three seconds in hopes that the extended duration would translate into the passion Mr. Ellis was looking for. However, when the three seconds was up and Rachel tried to break the kiss she felt herself being pushed back in her chair by her director's hands on her shoulders. Mr. Ellis had latched onto her lips and wouldn't let go, again his tongue found entrance into her mouth. She pushed at his shoulder but it did little to move him. She told herself not to panic, that he was just committing to the role, he was an intense person after all, but when his right hand moved up to grab her hair in his first tightly and his left hand dropped to brush up and down her ribcage, she couldn't help it. Again, Rachel pushed at his chest, this time more forcefully, mumbling protests against his lips.

"That was good! You're almost there," Mr Ellis told her finally breaking the kiss and releasing his hold on her hair.

"I think I should go." When Rachel tried to stand, Mr. Ellis's hand at her side gripped the fabric of her blouse possesively, stalling her movement. She was more than uncomfortable now, she was outright scared.

"We were finally getting somewhere and now you want to leave?" His hand flew up to grab hold of her upper arm. "Is that any way for a dedicated actress to behave?" he asked, shaking her threateningly.

Rachel started to strain against his grasp. "I'm not comfortable performing this scene with you," she admitted.

"Of course not," Mr. Ellis laughed. "Little miss virgin isn't comfortable with a simple kissing scene." He yanked her closer to him and kissed her again. "Does that make you uncomfortable, Rachel?" he mocked as she tried to wiggle out of the embrace. "Look at you, you're practically squirming in your seat." He leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "You see, I think you're turned on right now, but you don't know what to do about it because you're so goddamn naive. But I can show you. You just have to let me." He sucked her earlobe into his mouth and placed his free hand on her upper right thigh, just at the hem of her skirt. "Do you want me to show you, Rachel?"

"No, I want to go," she replied shakily as she continued to squirm in her chair. Certain that she about to cry, Rachel shut her eyes and hoped this wasn't actually happening.

"So uptight," Mr. Ellis said with a shake of his head. "You need to loosen up, sweetheart." He slipped a hand under her skirt and between her thighs.

Instantly, Rachel clamped her legs together in an attempt to stop his traveling fingers.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked, her free hand flying to grab hold of his wrist. "Stop it!"

Using his arm as leverage, Mr. Ellis pried her legs open just enough so that his fingertips could graze the front of her panties, still holding her left arm at bay with his other hand.

"Shh, just relax."

Rachel recoiled from the touch. "Please, I don't want to do this. Just stop!"

He pushed harder, finally cupping her through the thin layer of cotton. "You need to feel it, Rachel. This will help you."

She struggled harder, his grip of her arm growing tighter with each thrash of her body. She turned, pushed and pulled till she worked herself off the chair and crashed onto the stage with a loud thud.

The action shocked them both and for a moment Rachel froze, sprawled out on the stage, looking up at a man she had trusted only an hour ago, with absolute horror and panic in her eyes. Mr. Ellis seemed to regain his bearings first and flew from his chair wildly. Rachel gasped with the realization that she was not yet safe and scrambled to get up. But he was faster and threw himself down at her, his large body easily pinning her to the stage.

"Why are you doing this?" Rachel cried as she tried to wrestle herself out from underneath his heavy mass.

"I said relax!" Mr. Ellis yelled, his face a mask of madness as he grasped Rachel's shoulders and shook her so violently that her teeth rattled. He smothered her face and neck with kisses as she screamed and struggled beneath him. He pressed his arm firmly against her chest to immobilize her and slid his other hand under her skirt, grasping at her thighs, groping and drawing them apart. Then, his fingers snaked under the thin fabric of her panties and slammed into her.

"Ahh!" she cried out. "Stop! Please don't do this!"

"You need to feel it, Rachel," he repeated. "Let me help you."

It hurt so much at first that Rachel saw spots behind her eyelids, which remained squeezed shut as Mr. Ellis continued to pump three fingers in and out of her, seemingly oblivious to her protests and tears. Her body shook with every forceful thrust of his hand between her legs. But eventually the sharp stabbing pain turned into a dull ache, then a deep burning and finally a bubbling tingle. She knew what was coming, she had done extensive internet research on the subject when she was with Finn, just in case, but she needed to fight it. She couldn't allow herself to do that.

"Please," she whimpered. It was humiliating enough to be at his mercy, spread out on the floor with his hand between her legs like this, she wouldn't further embarrass herself. "Ow-oh...p-please stop," she breathed raggedly.

"I don't think you mean that," Mr. Ellis rasped. "I can feel you, tight and wet, trembling around my fingers. You're so close. I knew you wanted this. Needed this. Go ahead, Rachel, let go. Come for me. "

No!" she cried. "Please just stop it!"

"Come on, baby. You're almost there. Just let go." He quickened his pace, muttering dirty words into her ear as he manipulated her body. "That's it. You like this, don't you? You dirty little slut, I knew this was what you needed."

Rachel felt her walls clench and spasm involuntarily and let out a strangled sob. That was it, she had lost the last bit of her dignity.

"There you go," Mr. Ellis said with a slick smile. He rose to his feet, wiping his fingers on Rachel's skirt as he stood. "That's enough for tonight. And remember, Rachel, if you want this, if you and St. James ever want to make it, you have to play the part," he warned.

And then he was gone, leaving Rachel crying in a heap of pain and confusion on an empty stage.

Rachel remained unmoved for several minutes, taking shaky blubbery breaths and starring up at the stage lights wondering if she had really been assaulted by a man she respected, or if it had all been some sort of sick daydream. But as the fog in her head cleared, the ache between her legs throbbed and she was filled with an overwhelming sense of panic. Abruptly she pushed herself to her feet and took off running for the exit. Her legs felt like jelly and her stomach ached with nausea, but she needed to get out of there.


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel bolted out the theater's double doors and into the parking lot, her heart pounding as her feet hit the pavement.

"Whoa!" a voice rung out when she hit something hard and unyielding. "Rach, where's the fire?"

Drawing back to look up at the obstacle in her path, Rachel released a breath of relief. "Jesse," she said.

Jesse held a brown paper bag, filled with Italian take-out, and grinned down at his ex-girlfriend with fond amusement. He found her dramatic antics incredibly endearing.

"Where are you running off to? I thought Mr. Ellis wanted to rehearse some more tonight?" he asked.

Rachel shook her head frantically and reached for Jesse's arm. "No! We have to go! We have to leave right now," she said trying to drag him towards the car.

Jesse brandished the brown paper bag for Rachel to see. "But Mr. Ellis sent me to get his dinner, I assume he wants to eat it."

"No! He's not hungry anymore. He-he left. We have to go home," she insisted.

"What's going on, Rach? Why are you so out of breath?"

Rachel pulled on his arm more desperately. "Nothing! I just really want to go home. I-I don't feel too well so Mr. Ellis called it a night and left. Please, let's just go. I need to get home."

"Well, wouldn't want this to go to waste," Jesse said with a shrug as he pulled Mr. Ellis's panini out of the bag and unwrapped it. With his mouth full of eggplant, he spoke again, "this is pretty good, want some?"

Rachel declined the offer with a shake of her head and a look of disgust. She led Jesse to his SUV while scanning the parking lot for signs of the director.

Once they'd been on the road for a few minutes, Jesse glanced over at Rachel, who was staring out the window listlessly. "You sure you alright, Rach?" he asked. "You don't look so good."

Rachel stared at Jesse for a moment too long before speaking. "Cramps. It's that time of the month," she mumbled, sure he wouldn't press her about such a distinctly feminine ailment.

Predictably, Jesse let the subject drop with a solemn nod. He may have considered himself more advanced than most of his knuckle dragging male counterparts, but even he wasn't advanced enough to be comfortable talking about a girl's menstrual cycle.

They drove the rest of the way in silence, Rachel curled up against the passenger side window in hope that Jesse wouldn't notice the tears in her eyes or the way she sniffled. The farther they got from Columbus, the less restrictive the tightening in her chest felt.

When they were about 30 miles outside of Lima and the idea of facing her fathers made her want to burst into tears all over again, she considered telling Jesse what had happened back at the theater, but she couldn't bring herself to go through with it. He looked so content singing along softly to the show tune mix CD they worked on together, bobbing his head and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel in perfect rhythm. Occasionally he'd look at her out of the corner of his eye and mention something that happened at rehearsal with a smile. Mr. Ellis said she would put Jesse's career in jeopardy if she didn't play the part and go along with it, and what if Jesse thought the same? What if he didn't believe her? Or got mad at her for messing everything up? She couldn't possibly tell him.

* * *

Rachel repeated the cramps story for her dads the next morning and they agreed to let her stay home for the day. Since it wasn't something more serious, they didn't insist on staying with her and left for work after exchanging promises to check in and dropping paternal kisses on her forehead.

She tried to make up for the sleep she couldn't get the night before, but it was useless. Every time her eye lids fell closed she would be plagued by visions of Mr. Ellis hovering over her with his hand between her legs and awake with a start, looking under the covers to make sure no one was touching her. She had showered when she got home the night before, but she repeated the process thoroughly that morning when she finally decided to drag herself out of bed.

The play rehearsed that afternoon, but the thought of seeing Mr. Ellis again made Rachel want to vomit. She texted Jesse around noon and told him she was feeling worse and wouldn't be able to make it to rehearsal. He texted back saying he'd let Mr. Ellis know and told her rest up and feel better. She didn't have a long term plan, but knew she couldn't face the director again.

* * *

Tuesday was business as usual. Rachel went back to school, gratefully welcoming the distraction, and acted like nothing happened. Finn was his usual charming self and greeted her by her locker.

"Missed you yesterday," he said with a warm smile. "History class was extra boring without you."

Rachel laughed softly, but quickly sobered. She shouldn't be laughing, she didn't deserve to. "Sorry, I was ill," she told the boy.

"Feeling better?" Finn asked. He sounded genuinely concerned and his sincerity made it hard for Rachel to look him in the eyes. She had previously imagined she'd be reunited with Finn soon, their agreement to slowly work their way back to each other had been progressing nicely, but now she was sure he wouldn't want her if he knew the truth.

Rachel nodded and swallowed thickly. "Yes."

"Cool," he replied with a smile. "Come on, I'll walk you to first period." He offered her his arm and she timidly linked hers through it after a moment, reminding herself that it was just Finn and she would be safe with him.

* * *

Rachel had been focusing so intently on not thinking about Mr. Ellis or the play that when Jesse showed up after school on Wednesday she was ill-prepared for the conversation she needed to have with him.

Slipping into the passenger seat, Rachel reached out to stop Jesse from turning the key in the ignition. "Hold on," she began hesitantly, wringing her hands in her lap nervously.

"We're gonna be late, Rach," Jesse told her.

"Just give me a second, ok?" she said, trying to work up the nerve to say what she needed to.

Jesse let his hands fall into his lap and stared back at her expectantly.

"I'm quitting the play," Rachel stated in one quick breath.

"What? Why?" Jesse demanded, the surprise evident on his face.

"It's not working out, I just have a lot on my plate right now with finals coming up and Nationals," Rachel lied. "I shouldn't have tried to take on another activity at this time."

Jesse did little to conceal his shock and displeasure. "This isn't just some after school activity, Rachel! This is a real musical, with an acclaimed director and a shot at working in New York City! You won't get too many opportunities like this in Ohio," he stressed. "And you're just going to walk away? After I stuck my neck out there to get you an audition?"

He looked so angry and hurt that Rachel felt herself shrink away from him. It wasn't her intention to compromise Jesse's future, but she just couldn't see Mr. Ellis again.

"No, Jesse, you don't understand," she said, her voice cracking slightly.

"This is your first real role and you're going to throw it away over some tests and a show choir competition? This is unbelievable!" He shook his head from side to side and turned to glare out the window in disbelief.

"Jesse, please...you don't understand," Rachel pleaded again, her eyes starting to water. She needed him to understand, to not be so angry and just understand why she needed to quit, but she couldn't tell him the truth.

Turning back to her, Jesse spoke with disdain in his voice, "I understand perfectly. I put myself on the line for you here and after I convinced Mr. Ellis that you'd be perfect for the part, despite your age and lack of experience, you're going to bail and make me look like an idiot!"

"Jesse, I'm really sorry. I'm not trying to make you look bad. I just can't do the play."

Jesse continued to unload his anger, clearly blindsided by Rachel's announcement. "He'll never want to work with me again! He certainly won't keep me on when he moves the production to New York. I'll never make it to Broadway! I'll be lucky if I get a part in the Lima community production of Grease after this!"

Rachel tried to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall. She didn't mean to disappoint Jesse, she'd never wish to keep someone from realizing their Broadway dream, but she couldn't stomach the idea of facing Mr. Ellis again. But Jesse was so upset and she hated being the reason for it.

"Jesse," she said, attempting to cut off his rant.

"My career is over! And I didn't even get to have thrones of screaming fans hound me at the stage door," Jesse cried dramatically, tossing his head back against the headrest.

Rachel sniffled and discretely swiped at the tears she couldn't contain. "Just forget I said anything, ok? I'll do it. I'll do the play. I just need to re-arrange my schedule."

Jesse looked hopeful, the sudden change in his demeanor jarring. "Are you sure?

Rachel forced a smile. "Yeah, I'll figure out a way to make it work. You're right, you did put your reputation on the line for me, I can't just walk away. I'll just rework some things."

"Great!" Jesse exclaimed with a clap of his hands. "Don't stress about school or Nationals, if anyone can do it all it's you."

"Yeah," she agreed quietly, marveling at how easily Jesse could slip from outraged anger to charming flattery.

Rachel fidgeted nervously in her seat the entire car ride to Columbus. She was so jittery that Jesse remarked twice about her needing to decrease her caffeine intake. But it wasn't caffeine coursing through her veins, she hadn't had a single cup of coffee that day, it was trepidation. She wasn't sure what the atmosphere would be like at rehearsal, or how things would progress from where she left off with her director. Would Mr. Ellis pretend like nothing happened? Would he want to do it again? She knew once she showed up, there was no going back. She'd be giving Mr. Ellis the okay to do it again. He'd probably think she enjoyed it since she came back for more. Maybe if she stayed with Jesse and the others the entire time, Mr. Ellis wouldn't have the chance to get her alone. All she had to do was avoid being alone with him and it would be okay, he couldn't do  _that_  in front of everyone. She just had to stay out of his way and everything would be fine, Jesse would get to go to New York after the show's Columbus run and she'd stay in Lima till graduation, far away from Mr. Ellis.

But of course, Rachel's plans always had a way of exploding spectacularly.

* * *

"Where is everyone?" Rachel asked Jesse as she glanced around the empty theater.

"Since we couldn't rehearse any of Jake and Emily's scenes Monday without you, Mr. Ellis thought it would be beneficial to focus on us today. The rest of the cast has the day off," Jesse answered, completely unaware of the panic gripping his ex-girlfriend.

That definitely put a kink in Rachel's plan. Without the majority of the cast present, she'd have less people to attach herself to in hopes of avoiding unnecessary contact with Mr. Ellis. He could easily send Jesse off on some ridiculous errand again. Rachel's heart pounded heavily in her chest, her head felt hot, and her feet were rooted firmly to the carpet, unable to move towards the stage. With only Jesse as a buffer, there was a greater chance of Mr. Ellis being able to single her out.

"Ah, she's back!" Mr. Ellis called out from the side of the stage. He had presumably just walked out of his office and was holding a binder full of notes in his arms. "Thought you might have run off on us, Miss Berry. This world is not for everyone," he said pointedly.

Realizing Rachel had stopped moving, Jesse placed his hand at the small of her back and guided her towards their director. "Rachel can handle anything you throw at her," he told the man confidently.

"Oh, I'm sure she can," Mr. Ellis agreed with a dark smirk.

Rehearsal began, and although Rachel physically recoiled every time Mr. Ellis approached them to offer a new direction or flinched whenever he placed a hand on her shoulder to change her stage position, she was sure Jesse wasn't aware of the battle raging inside her head or the sickness creeping up on her. She knew her performance was seriously lacking and her focus obviously misplaced, and while she caught Mr. Ellis giving her a few looks, he never mentioned anything out loud.

Her attempt to stay in Jesse's presence at all times was proving more difficult than she imagined. The boy was constantly moving, randomly jumping off stage to check his text messages, or rushing backstage during breaks to fix his hair. Not to mention his frequent bathroom breaks, thanks to the copious amounts of black coffee he drank. After following him to the restroom for the second time in two hours, Jesse fixed Rachel with a curious look.

"What's up?" Jesse asked. "You've been acting funny all day."

Rachel shook her head, afraid that Jesse might have caught on. "Nothing."

Jesse grinned. "Alright, guess I can understand a girl's desire to stay close to Jesse St. James."

Thankfully, he dropped the subject quickly and rehearsal continued. They worked on one of their duets and a couple of scenes inside Jake and Emily's apartment. Rachel made the effort not to freak out and run after Jesse every time he walked away from her, telling herself that Mr. Ellis wouldn't do anything with Jesse 20 feet away. But that didn't stop her from following him outside or backstage during breaks.

Around 7:30pm they decided to take a short dinner break at Mr. Ellis's suggestion. Rachel was slipping her coat on to accompany Jesse to the Japanese restaurant around the corner when Mr. Ellis stopped her.

"Rachel, wait," the director called out. "I need to fill you in on what you missed Monday. We made some significant changes to the second act. Let Jesse pick up the food, we'll go over my notes."

Rachel froze. "Jesse can explain it all to me," she insisted.

"Yeah, I don't mind," Jesse interjected. "We didn't change too much anyway. I'm sure Rachel will catch on quickly."

"I think I can do my job, Mr. St. James," Mr. Ellis said glaring at Jesse. "Now, let's go Rachel, I don't have all night and I want you ready to go over this with Jesse when he returns. I'm sure you two will survive the brief separation," he finished drily.

Jesse backed down easily, unwilling to push his director's buttons. "I guess I'll go pick up the food," he said excusing himself.

Rachel wanted to call out to stop Jesse from leaving, but she couldn't force her mouth to form the words. Despite all her efforts, she was exactly where she didn't want to be, alone with Mr. Ellis. He had managed to dismiss her defenses so easily.

Mr. Ellis dropped his binder of notes on the stage floor, the sudden noise causing Rachel to jump.

"Well," the older man began as he stepped closer to Rachel, "now that I got you away from your bodyguard for a minute, maybe we can address some unfinished business."

Rachel looked around anxiously, futilely searching for refuge in the empty theater. "Unfinished business?"

"Yes. You see, Rachel, when someone does something nice for you, it's only right for you to reciprocate," Mr. Ellis told her, his tone condescendingly stern.

"Reciprocate?" Rachel questioned. "But you-"

"Yes," he interrupted, "a good girl returns the favor. Are you a good girl, Rachel?"

"I..I really should go," she said, retreating from the man.

With a couple more long strides Mr. Ellis reached the trembling girl. "No one's going anywhere. There's still the matter of payment for our little tutoring session the other day."

"But I didn't want to do that! You forced me!" Rachel shrieked.

"Forced? Forced!" Mr. Ellis repeated angrily. "Is that what you've been telling people? You ungrateful little slut!"

"No I haven't told anyone!" she cried out.

Mr. Ellis sneered in satisfaction at the confession. "Good, because if you did you would have to tell them how much you enjoyed it, how much you wanted it."

Rachel shook her head frantically. "I didn't want it!"

Chuckling darkly, Mr. Ellis wrapped a hand around Rachel's wrist. "Is that why you came around my fingers? Because you didn't want it?" he growled.

"You were..that's because you...I..I didn't want to," Rachel stammered. "I tried to stop you!"

"Please, do you really think anyone will believe that? You were practically begging me to touch you. Thought you'd screw your way to the top," he said with a roll of his eyes.

"No! That's not true!" She didn't want it, wasn't that obvious?

The grip on Rachel's wrist tightened and Mr. Ellis drew the girl closer to his body, lowering his voice when he spoke.

"Well, that's what people will think when they find out," he told her. "No one will believe a little nobody like you got this part without some help. Is that what you want people talking about?" he asked suggestively. "You want people to be gossiping about how Rachel Berry had to seduce the director just to get a part in a Columbus theatre production? Imagine what they'll think of you when you get to New York and your lousy reputation follows you," he paused to let the threat sink in before continuing on, "Imagine what will happen to Jesse when casting directors find out he's responsible for a whore like you."

Rachel's eyes widen, her outrage providing her the strength to tug her wrist free so that she could point an accusing finger at the older man. "Those are all lies! You can't do that!"

"Oh, but I can, and I will," Mr. Ellis said, a sly smirk slipping onto his face. "And lets not forget your poor sweet parents. What do you think they'll have to say when they find out their precious little daughter has been whoring herself out for a chance at stardom?"

"I wouldn't do that! I didn't even want to do it! You made me!" Rachel cried.

The slap was so abrupt it didn't register with Rachel until Mr. Ellis's hand was back balled at his side and her face was stinging with redness.

"Enough with the lies! The world is full of talentless sluts who try to earn their way by fucking anyone with a modicum of power. What makes you think people will think you're any different?" he asked hotly.

Rachel pressed a hand lightly to her bruised cheek as she started to cry plainly. "Because I am," she answered quietly.

"Come here," Mr. Ellis cooed, frowning at the angry mark on Rachel's cheek as if he wasn't responsible for it. He pulled the petite girl into an one-sided hug and attempted to quiet her cries by rubbing soothing circles on her back. "Shh, it'll be ok. Don't cry. I don't want any of that to happen to you, do you?" he asked softly.

Rachel shook her head no, struggling to control the sobs wracking her tiny body.

"Then just do what I say and I'll make sure everything is taken care of. Ok?" Mr. Ellis implored gently.

Rachel nodded dully. She just wanted this to be over with.

"Good, now it's time for you to take care of me," Mr. Ellis said.

Stepping back from the distraught girl, Mr. Ellis started to unbutton his slacks and lower his pants. "Go on."

Rachel starred back at him blankly. She shook her head no, unable to verbalize her protests. Mr. Ellis placed both hands on her shoulders and started to push her down on the stage. "Go on," he urged once more, this time more firmly.

She didn't know how or why, but Rachel felt herself yield to the pressure of Mr. Ellis's hands and lower her body to kneel on the stage in front of him. She just couldn't ruin Jesse's career or break her fathers' hearts with her careless behavior. If Mr. Ellis told everyone what she had done, she'd never be able to live with the humiliation. So something took over her body and instructed it to do what her mind couldn't.

Mr. Ellis threaded his hands through her hair so that he could tug and guide her head to his liking. Rachel cried the whole time, and when Mr. Ellis finished and released himself at the back of her throat, she found herself choking and gagging on the foul tasting white fluid.

"Swallow it," he instructed.

And she did, because she had turned off her brain and couldn't possibly feel any worse than she did at that moment.

After zipping his pants back up, Mr. Ellis pulled Rachel up by the elbow and thrusted a copy of the play into her hands. "Good girl. Now, take it from the top of Act 2," he said calmly.

* * *

Staring at the ceiling in her bedroom later that night, Rachel realized Mr. Ellis had been testing her and now he knew she'd do anything with the right type of prodding. Showing up after that first incident on Sunday must have cemented his belief that she was nothing but slut who would get on her knees for anyone who had something to offer. She had put herself in a terrible position and had no idea how to get herself out of it.

* * *

It happened 7 more times before she stopped counting. Sometimes he'd touch her like he did the first time, and other times he'd make her take him in her mouth. At first she'd protest, beg like the pathetic girl she had become and try to persuade him not to, but a few forceful smacks and a handful of well thought out threats eventually shut her up for good. She doesn't stop crying, but that doesn't prevent Mr. Ellis from coming up with excuses to be alone with her during rehearsal.

She knew she was sick for going back time after time, but she didn't know what else to do. It was too late now anyway, she didn't do anything about it after the first incident and now everyone will think she wanted it because she let it go on. But she won't be responsible for Jesse's failure and she can't risk her fathers and the rest of the world knowing what she's become. So Rachel continued to show up at rehearsals and obediently followed Mr. Ellis whenever he called her into his backstage office for his special brand of instruction.


	7. Chapter 7

Rehearsals grew to be nightmare for Rachel. What she was once so excited about had become a constant source of fear and dread. She never knew when Mr. Ellis would dismiss everyone but her, or call her into his office for a private meeting. And no matter how many times it happened, she still hated herself allowing it every time. Most of the time Jesse and the rest of the cast were around to offer some protection, but Mr. Ellis had a way of getting what he wanted. So she'd find herself backed against the wall of her director's office with his hand down her pants, or on her knees in front of him, wondering if anyone knew how truly disgusting she was.

It was the middle of April when Jesse started to question Rachel's frequent one-on-one sessions with Mr. Ellis.

"So what did Mr. Ellis want to talk to you about?" Jesse asked as they drove back to Lima together one night.

"Oh, he just wanted to give me some notes about my performance," she answered after a pause.

"He must have a lot of notes. You're in there all the time," Jesse said.

Nothing in Jesse's voice or demeanor indicated suspicion, but Rachel still felt uneasy about his inquiry. She shifted nervously in her seat, her cheeks flushing as if she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Did Jesse know what she was doing with Mr. Ellis in that office? Maybe he wouldn't so surprised if she confessed. She saw her chance, the opportunity to come clean, to tell someone she got herself into a terrible mess and didn't know how to get out. Jesse would probably be disgusted with her for letting it get to this point, but he might be able to help her get out.

"Yeah, well I guess I'm not as good an actor as you," she said sadly. No, she definitely could not tell him.

"That's crazy, Rach," Jesse said glancing at her quickly. "You're the best one on that stage. Mr. Ellis probably just knows talent when he sees it and wants to help nurture your gift."

Rachel mumbled something inaudible and Jesse just shrugged before turning his attention back to the road completely.

* * *

The days started to bleed together for Rachel and she sleepwalked through them expertly. With the play, glee club, school, homework, her fathers, and life in general she was pretty busy. Fortunately, her hectic schedule and heavy workload provided the perfect cover for the times someone caught onto her unusual behavior.

Kurt had invited her to a late movie one Saturday night, preempting the invitation with the very valid arguments that he hardly saw her outside of Glee anymore and that he knew she was free Saturday nights after rehearsal, but she politely declined. She needed to rinse Mr. Ellis out of her mouth out that night, thoroughly.

She and Noah had planned to meet a couple times a week during lunch to work on their duet audition, but she was feeling particularly down one day so she locked herself in a bathroom stall and cried for 40 minutes instead. When he found her later and accused her of ditching him, Rachel offered some lame excuse about needing to catch up on homework she had fallen behind on. Puck just rolled his eyes and suggested some of the excuses he used to get away with not handing in assignments.

When Finn caught her staring off into space for the entire duration of their History class she alleviated his concern by claiming she was just a little tired from rehearsing for the play and practicing with Noah. Finn told her to take it easy on herself and get some rest because he had no idea she couldn't do either.

Her fathers questioned why she always came home from weekend rehearsals and went straight to her room, without so much as saying hello to them. Rachel couldn't explain that she needed to shower away the filth from her body before she faced them, so instead she said she was just eager to get her homework done since she didn't have much time during the week to do it.

She hated lying to the people she loved, but it was all she could do to keep her world from completely unraveling. If anyone knew the truth about the kind of person she had become, they wouldn't want anything to do with her.

She and Finn were still taking things slow. They really only saw each other in school, but he sat next to her in Glee and during History. At lunch he bought her a fruit salad whenever he noticed that she had no food in front of her and tried to engage her in conversation. Rachel was no longer the easily excitable chatterbox she was last year, or even just a couple of months ago, but she knew she couldn't withdraw too much or it'd be suspicious. So she returned Finn's smiles, although dimly, laughed at his jokes, although weakly, and bantered back and forth with him, albeit half-heartily.

When Finn asked her to junior prom one morning, saying that he knew they still had to figure some things out but he really wanted to share the evening with her, Rachel easily agreed. Really she hadn't even thought about junior prom because it was over a month away and she didn't really think about anything other than what a disgusting disappointment she was, but Finn was so sweet and adorably nervous about the whole thing that she forgot for moment. She forgot that prom meant slow dancing to cheesy romantic music, dressing up in tacky dresses and suits, and being close to someone special. She forgot that she wasn't a girl who deserved any of that.

Once she agreed to go to prom with him, Finn assumed that they were officially back together. He held her hand between classes and gave her quick kisses she never returned when they parted in the halls. Rachel never objected because she honestly loved Finn and he was comfortable and familiar and she just wanted to feel like herself again. So they got back together without talking about getting back together, something Rachel would have never gone for a few months ago.

* * *

Not much changed at first because Rachel didn't really have the time to hang out with Finn outside of school, but Finn was eager to spend more time with her. He never bugged her about how busy she was, or made her feel guilty for not seeing him, but he knew her schedule. So he planned their first official date night on a Tuesday after Glee.

They picked up where they left off all those months ago, sprawled out on Finn's bed making out after dinner at Breadstix. At first Rachel was a little hesitant about kissing Finn so intensely, but she told herself she was being silly because it was just Finn and once upon a time she actually really enjoyed kissing Finn. Besides, she didn't know for sure that she didn't want to kiss Finn, she had gotten so used to doing things she didn't want to do that she sort of forgot how to tell the difference.

Not that Finn's kisses were anything like Mr. Ellis's. Finn was soft and sweet and he told her she was beautiful as he gently laid her down on the bed. He wasn't forceful or rough and he didn't call her names or threaten her. But despite all their differences, she still had a hard time separating the two when Finn's tongue dipped into her mouth like Mr. Ellis's had so many times. So she checked out, she removed herself from the moment and went to the place in her head that was distant and safe, the place she went to whenever Mr. Ellis started to touch her.

Rachel's mind was on autopilot when Finn's large hand slid down her ribcage, past her hip bone and to her thigh before finding refuge under the fabric of her blue and yellow checked skirt. His hand rubbing her thigh caused something inside her to stir, the contact too familiar.

Since Rachel didn't appear to be objecting to his exploration, Finn trailed his hand up her thigh towards her center and let his fingers graze her skin through her panties. He wasn't pushing for more, he just wanted to touch her and she was allowing him to. He wondered if maybe their time apart had loosened Rachel up because he never got this far in the past.

But something inside Rachel's head seemed to snap and she tensed visibly, her breathing suddenly growing erratic. She snatched his wrist with one hand and pushed at his chest with the other, forcing him to sit up and toss his legs over the side of the small bed.

Finn looked surprised and ashamed. "Oh damn, I'm sorry Rach," he apologized. "I thought it was ok. You weren't saying anything. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean...I don't expect anything," he trailed off.

Rachel climbed off the bed silently, her eyes glassy and distant.

"Don't go, Rachel. I didn't mean to," Finn pleaded in panic. He had just gotten her back and had already managed to screw it up. "I just got carried away because it's been so long since I've touched you," he continued. "We can just hang out and watch that documentary you brought over, I don't even mind that it's not in English."

Rachel positioned herself to stand between his legs, briefly looking past her once again boyfriend before ducking her eyes and sinking to her knees. She reached for his fly and started undoing his belt without a word.

"Woah, Rach! What are you doing?" Finn cried out with a squeak of disbelief. He reached out a hand to stop her, but as soon as her soft delicate fingers dipped inside his boxers and brushed his dick his movements stilled. He sucked in a shaky breath and tried not to embarrass himself right then.

It only took Rachel a few seconds to free Finn's penis from his jeans and boxers completely. He unconsciously assisted in the process, lifting his butt off the mattress so that she could slide the material down just enough to get a hold of him. Finn was pretty excited about the new direction their relationship was about to take, but he was also really confused because Rachel wasn't saying anything.

"Are you going to..." He didn't get a chance to finish his question because without the epically long discussion he expected before she'd even consider moving past second base, Rachel's lips were wrapped around him. "Oh my God, you are," he said, his eyes wide.

Finn sensed something was different with his girlfriend, but the way she was moving her tongue around as she bobbed her head back and forth was making it hard for him to think clearly. "Rachel," he breathed out heavily. "Are you ssh-ooh-god-s-sure about this?"

He wasn't sure why he was asking, she seemed pretty determined at the moment, but it didn't  _feel_  right. Sure, it felt amazing, but this wasn't like Rachel. He didn't really have time to analyze the situation though, because Rachel was  _really_  good at this and he had never had much endurance in this department to begin with.

When he felt his body start to shudder he somehow managed to form a coherent warning, because although this particular act was new to him, Puck had once told him that girls didn't like to be surprised. "Oooh my God...Rach...I'm gonna come."

Rachel halted her task abruptly, pulling her head back to look up at him through thick damp eyelashes. Finn was doing his best not to whine at the interruption when he noticed the sad blank look in her eyes.

"It's ok," she said meekly. "It's ok. This is what you want, right?"

Her voice sounded so sad and small, and Finn was pretty sure those were tears on her face. But he didn't have the chance to process her words or the broken way she said them because almost immediately her mouth was back on him, sucking and swallowing, pulling him over the edge. He screwed his eyes shut tight and let out a string of throaty groans as he climaxed. When he finally opened his eyes again Rachel was sitting back on her heels, wiping at her mouth sheepishly and refusing to look at him.

"Fuck, Rachel. What the hell was that about?" He jumped from the bed, yanking his boxers and jeans up in the process. "Why did you...when did you learn to do that?" he sputtered out.

Finn started to pace the small room franticly, running a sweaty hand through his hair. He wasn't sure what he was more upset about: the fact that she didn't seem into it but he let her do it anyway, or the suspicion that it wasn't her first time. Was she dating someone while he was with Quinn? Was it that asshole Jesse? Was he responsible for Rachel's surprising new skill? The thought made Finn sick.

Rachel remained on the floor of Finn's bedroom, her hands folded neatly in her lap and her bottom lip tucked between her teeth. She shrunk back slightly whenever Finn's frenzied pacing brought him near her.

"You're not supposed to be angry," she mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Mr. Ellis was never angry  _afterwards_ , he always had sweet and encouraging words for her when she finished.

"I'm not angry. I'm just surprised," Finn told her. He pulled her up gently and guided her to sit beside him on the bed. "Listen, are you ok? You seem kind of not yourself." He had so many questions, but he wasn't sure how to actually ask any of them. She just looked so small, smaller than he had ever seen her look before, and she still wouldn't look at him.

Rachel looked up at him eagerly. "You didn't like it? I'm sorry. If you tell me how you like it, I'll be better. Just show me what you want and I'll do it," she promised.

"What? No! God, Rachel, that's not what I meant," Finn cried, horrified by his girlfriend's words. "I'm just worried about you. Is everything ok?"

"I'm fine, Finn. Can you take me home now? It's getting late." She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and looked away from him.

Finn didn't bother pointing out that she had over an hour till her curfew, or that they still had a lot to discuss, he just gathered her into a hug and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She didn't respond, her attention seemingly elsewhere.

"Alright," he sighed at her unresponsiveness. "Let's go."

They walked past Kurt, who was watching TV in the living room, on their way out of the house. When Kurt called out to Rachel to say good night, she didn't even raise her head to acknowledge him. Finn offered his step-brother a sympathetic shrug before following his girlfriend out to his truck.

The car ride was silent and uncomfortable. Finn stole concerned glances at his girlfriend while Rachel absently traced shapes on the passenger side window with her index finger. She didn't turn to look at him once.

"Rachel," Finn said hoping to start a conversation.

"Don't, Finn," she interrupted in a small voice.

"We should talk about what went on back there," he told her. All the time he spent around Rachel in the past must have rubbed off on him, because pushing for uncomfortable talks about sex and feelings or whatever, well that was supposed to be her thing, not his.

"There's nothing to talk about. It was just a blow job." She still won't look at him.

Finn wasn't sure he heard her right.  _Just a blow job?_  It took a promise of raising their future unborn children in her faith just to get her to allow him to touch the sides of her breasts, and now she was casually giving blow jobs? Something wasn't right. Up until tonight he couldn't even imagine Rachel saying the words, forget about performing the act. Well, of course he imagined it, but that was just for his own pleasure. He never actually expected her to do to it, at least not so soon, and not without some sort of lecture on physical intimacy.

"What's gotten into you?" he asked as they pull up to her house. Finn had no idea what had happened in the time they were apart to change her so drastically, but he just wanted the old Rachel back. The Rachel who begged him to teach her how to play the drums and loved to wear his jacket when it got cold. The Rachel who giggled whenever their noses bumped while making out and talked endlessly about anything and everything. He wanted the Rachel who didn't want to have sex till she was 25 years old.

Rachel quietly said good night and slipped out of his truck.

* * *

Finn couldn't shake the feeling that he made Rachel do something she didn't want to. So he took his frustrations out on his bedroom door when he returned home from dropping her off.

The repeated loud slamming brought Kurt to his abused doorframe.

"What'd the door ever to do you?" Kurt asked his step-brother with a small smirk.

"Not now, Kurt!" Finn shouted, abandoning his door slamming for that Kurt could enter the room. He wasn't in the mood for Kurt's snarky comments.

Kurt took it upon himself to sit atop of Finn's desk, picking up a pencil and carelessly twirling it between his fingers. "Gees, calm down. What's going on?"

Finn shook his head regretfully, he couldn't exactly explain the night's events to his step-brother, could he?

"It's Rachel, isn't it? She looked pretty upset when she left. Did you guys break up yet again?" Kurt ventured, somewhat bored by the idea of more relationship drama between the two. He had seen Rachel earlier in the evening, when she and Finn first returned from Breadstix, and although she wasn't exactly her lively loquacious self, she did at least stop to say hello to him before Finn whisked her away into his bedroom. So something must have happened in Finn's room to cause Rachel to leave so surlily.

Finn's head snapped in Kurt's directions. "You thought she looked upset?"

"She didn't even notice the Patti Lupone exclusive biography I was watching when she passed by," Kurt answered.

"Damn it! I knew something was wrong. I should have stopped her." Finn's wasn't too sure who or what that was, but judging by the way Kurt said it, it was apparently cause for concern.

"Stopped her from doing what?" Kurt asked.

Finn debated whether or not he should be talking to Kurt about this. Sure he was his step-brother, but he was also Rachel's friend and a notorious gossip. But he needed to tell someone.

"Look Kurt, if I tell you something, can you be cool about it?" Finn questioned.

Kurt let the pencil he'd been twirling fall to the desk so that he could focus more intently, he wasn't used to Finn sounding so serious. "What are you talking about, Finn?"

"You're not going to run and tell Mercedes or Tina everything I tell you right now, are you? Because that'd be really messed up of you and Rachel will probably never talk to me again if you do," Finn explained in a rush.

"Relax, Finn. I won't tell them anything. Now spill. What's got you so riled up?" Kurt had seen Finn mad a couple of times, but he had never seen him so upset and confused.

"Ok," Finn began, taking a seat on the bed opposite Kurt. "Tonight me and Rachel...took things to the next step."

"You had sex?" Kurt shrieked. It seemed a little soon, they had _just_ gotten back together.

"No! And shut up before mom and Burt hear you!" Finn shot back with a panicked expression.

"Well then what's the next step if it's not sex?" Kurt asked in genuine confusion.

"Oral," Finn mumbled, rubbing the palm of his hand into his neck awkwardly. "Well she did...on me."

"Oh...ew!" Kurt exclaimed. "Why are you telling me this? Go to Puck if you want to brag about Rachel going down on you."

"I'm not bragging! Just listen, will you?" Finn said, exasperated by Kurt's reaction. He raised his hands in plea to shut Kurt up and continued on, "Before she did that, we were just making out and stuff, and I kind of accidentally touched her, you know? Down there. I didn't mean to, I just got caught up in the moment. And it wasn't even anything serious, just a feel over her underwear."

Kurt scrunched his face in disgust. "I don't need details, Finn. Is this going somewhere?"

"She freaked out, Kurt. Like really bad. Usually she just rolls her eyes and slaps my hand away with a laugh, but she like totally freaked out. She completely froze and started hypertensing."

"Hyperventilating," Kurt corrected absently.

"Right. At first she pushed me away and I tried to apologize because I was sure I had blown it, but then all of sudden she's," Finn trailed off.

"Blowing you?" Kurt offered, smirking slightly at the word play.

Finn didn't notice. "It was  _so_  weird. One second she's pushing me away and breathing all crazy and then she's kneeling in front of me and su-"

"Oooh-kay! I get it! No need to paint me a picture," Kurt interrupted. He fixed his step-brother with a curious look. "Finn, I hate to point out the obvious here, but shouldn't you be happy about this?"

"Happy that my girlfriend looked like she was going to cry while she was," Finn paused and glanced around worriedly before lowering his voice, "while she was, you know, going down on me?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "I'm sure she wasn't as upset as you think. She was probably just worried she was doing it wrong or something."

"Oh no, she  _knew_  what she was doing," Finn countered confidently. Rachel had definitely done it right.

"Gross," Kurt said. He still wasn't getting the dilemma here. Rachel had not only performed oral sex on Finn, but apparently performed it exceedingly well. So why did his step-brother look so pitiful?

"No, Kurt, you don't get it. It was like something took over Rachel's body and made her do it. She looked like a sad robot or something. I'm pretty sure she was like actually crying during it. And then when it was over she acted like it was nothing. You know how big a deal these things are with Rachel, but now she's saying  _'it's just a blow job'_  and we don't need to talk about it? Rachel needs to talk about  _everything_!" Finn cried in frustration.

"She said that?" Kurt couldn't imagine Rachel being so nonchalant about the whole thing. Rachel wasn't really nonchalant about anything, she was assiduous and high strung, and she had a plan for everything.

Finn nodded.

"Did she say anything else?" Kurt pressed.

"When I asked her if she was sure she said that it was what I wanted, but that's all," Finn answered.

Kurt shrugged. The whole thing did sound very un-Rachel-like, but if he had learned one thing from spending time with her the past couple of months, it was that Rachel wasn't always what she seemed.

"Maybe she's still a little insecure about the Quinn thing and thinks she has to step it up in the bedroom if she wants to keep you around," Kurt suggested after some consideration.

"Why would she think that?" Finn wondered out loud. "She didn't need to do that. I want to be with her because I love her, not because she gives good head."

Kurt frowned. "Once again,  _gross_."

"I don't know, Kurt. She doesn't seem like herself lately. She's like empty, you know? It's like she's here but she's not," Finn explained. "I should have stopped her."

Kurt sensed the very real guilt in his step-brother's voice and just wanted to help assuage some of the worry. But no matter how vivid a picture Finn painted, Kurt still had no way of judging Rachel's behavior for himself, so he couldn't exactly dismiss Finn's concerns or say for certain that Rachel wasn't upset. He did know that Finn wasn't really the type to overreact or exaggerate, and he very rarely picked up on subtle clues, so Rachel's distress must have been pretty palpable if it managed to stop Finn from enjoying her alleged oral talents.

"Finn, you didn't do anything wrong. Rachel's a big girl and even if she did it for the wrong reasons, she still made the decision to do it. It's not like you forced her into it. But before it happens again, maybe you should try to get her to open up about whatever it is that's bothering her. It could be nothing."

"Yeah, alright. Thanks, man," Finn said, clearly unmoved by the conversation. It didn't matter to him that he didn't force Rachel to do it, because she clearly didn't want to it and he just let her anyway because it felt good for him. He felt like the worst boyfriend ever.

Kurt hopped off Finn's desk. "No problem. Now if you excuse me, I have to go bash my head against a wall to rid myself of the mental images you've just supplied."

Although Kurt's speech hadn't really helped to alleviate any of his guilt, Finn was grateful he got it all off his chest. Kurt may not have been appalled by his behavior, but he was. He knew Rachel well, and the girl who robotically got on her knees for him was not his Rachel. And no matter what Kurt said, he should have stopped her. Now he needed to figure out what was wrong and fix it, so he could get his Rachel back.


	8. Chapter 8

Kurt made a bee line for Rachel's locker the next morning. Sure, he promised Finn he wouldn't gossip about the situation, but he never agreed not to go directly to the source. Besides, Rachel was his friend now and he thought she could use a friendly ear.

"Busy night?" Kurt asked as he pulled up beside Rachel.

Rachel didn't bother to tear her eyes away from her locker, which she was frantically rummaging through. "What are you talking about, Kurt?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing," he replied in a sing-song voice before leaning back against the locker next to hers with a far-away smirk.

Locating her chemistry textbook and binder, Rachel slammed the locker door shut and noticed Kurt's expression. "Seriously, why are you looking at me like that?" she questioned, a quizzical look on her face.

Kurt smiled impishly and gestured to the books in her arms. "You have a test in Keller's class today?" he asked, remember she had mentioned needing to study over the weekend when she turned down his invitation to hang out.

"Yes," Rachel answered flatly.

"That wouldn't happen to be an _oral_  exam, would it? Because I hear you excel at those," he said pointedly. Kurt couldn't help but chuckle a little. His intention for their early morning chat was of course to determine Rachel's mental and emotional state for himself, but he couldn't pass on teasing his new friend first.

"What? No, it's Chemistry, why would I..." Rachel trailed off, her eyes widening when Kurt's implication hit her. Her first thought was that Kurt knew about her dirty little secret, but after convincing herself that it wasn't possible because Kurt didn't even know Mr. Ellis, she realized what the boy was actually getting at. "Finn told you!" she snapped hotly, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

Kurt laughed at Rachel's panic. "Yeah, but cut him some slack. He was worried and feeling guilty," he explained. Sure he enjoyed ruffling Rachel's feathers a bit, but he also really cared about her.

"Why would he feel guilty?" Rachel asked, bewildered. Did Finn feel guilty about letting someone as gross as her do that?

Kurt shrugged and pushed himself off the row of lockers to walk with her. "He thinks he made you do something you didn't want to. Said you freaked out on him for touching you, but had no problem going down on him."

"I-I didn't freak out," she said softly.

Rachel didn't think Finn noticed, it was just a little hiccup. She  _hated_  when Mr. Ellis touched her like that, her body's reaction always made the guilt and humiliation much worse than when she performed oral sex on him. Sometimes when Mr. Ellis's fingers would start playing at her panties, she would hastily grab for his belt and start fumbling with his fly. If she was lucky he would simply let her suck him off and not push his fingers into her. It was degrading and disgusting to get on her knees for him, but it didn't physically  _hurt_  like the alternative, and she never felt like her body betrayer her afterwards. It hurtso much when Mr. Ellis thrusted his hand between her legs and slammed into her because she was always dry and not at all ready for that sort of invasion, but worse than the physical pain was the fact that he didn't stop till she came. And eventually she always did. Not being able to control herself was much more humiliating than giving him a blow job. So if she had to choose between the two acts, and she had learned that being alone with Mr. Ellis meant either one or the other, or sometimes both, but if she had the choice, she would rather be degraded than humiliated.

She was just trying to avoid humiliating herself like that in front of Finn, and she thought that it was what Finn really wanted. It was what Mr. Ellis expected after he caused her to make a mess of her panties, either immediately or later on, surely Finn was looking for the same thing. So she figured if she gave Finn what he wanted first, then she wouldn't have to humiliate herself at his hands.

"According to Finn you were practically in tears," Kurt disclosed, his voice breaking into Rachel's thoughts. "I believe he referred to you as a sad robot."

Rachel wanted to argue with Kurt and tell him that it wasn't true, but she didn't really remember. The task had become mechanic for her. If she remained too lucid during the act she'd have a harder time blocking it out later.

"Kurt, you can't tell anyone about this!" she cried out. Her eyes pleaded with him.

"Relax, Rach. I'm not looking to broadcast your new found oral fixation, but tears and blow jobs don't mix," Kurt said.

Rachel whipped her head from side to side to scan the hallway for eavesdroppers. "Will you lower your voice!"

Kurt rolled his eyes but allowed her to pull him close so that she could keep her voice at a whisper.

"And I wasn't crying," she added. She probably was, but Kurt couldn't possibly know the truth so she decided a little lie wouldn't hurt. She had been lying to so many people now. "I was just nervous. I'm not exactly experienced in that department and Finn has been with Santana and has dated Quinn twice. I just don't want him running off with some pretty little cheerleader again." It was a pathetic lie, but Rachel knew Kurt would buy it because she was kind of pathetic too.

"That's what I told him," Kurt declared triumphantly. He halted their movement and came around to face his friend. "Look Rach," he began, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I understand you being a little insecure with Finn's past flip-flopping and what not, but pushing yourself to do something you're not a hundred precent comfortable with is not the solution. It's not healthy, ok?"

Rachel blinked a few times in surprise. Kurt not only believed her, but was offering her well-meaning advice.

"You're right," she offered in the most sincere voice she could muster. "Thank you, Kurt. I'll be sure to talk to Finn about my concerns." She forced a small smile to her lips and walked away.

Although Kurt found her sudden understanding a bit suspicious, he didn't press the issue. He was happy he'd at least be able to tell Finn that Rachel confirmed his original suspicion and it wasn't something more sinister like Finn had thought. He would also be happy if Finn never shared those types of details about his and Rachel's relationship again.

* * *

Rachel walked into the History class she shared with Finn ten minutes late that day. Her intention was to avoid having to talk to Finn before class started. She was never tardy so Mrs. Handley dismissed her carefully crafted apology before she even got it out. She stole a glance at Finn, who looked ready to jump out of his chair at her arrival, and sat down.

When the bell rang to signal the end of the period, Rachel gathered her belongings hurriedly and sprang from her desk. She knew she couldn't avoid Finn forever, but she had no idea what to say to him right now.

But Finn's long legs and athleticism made it difficult for her to out maneuver him. He caught up to her in the hallway easily.

"Rachel, wait. We need to talk," he said, stepping in front of her.

He looked exhausted and wary, like he was up all night, and Rachel felt terrible for causing him to worry like Kurt had said he was. She followed him into an empty classroom so they could talk. They seemed to be playing this cat and mouse game a lot lately when it came to addressing their issues.

"I'm sorry," Rachel blurted out once they were out of earshot of the student body. "I shouldn't have done that."

Finn rubbed at his eyes tiredly. "Look, don't take this the wrong way, but what the hell was that last night? I don't even know what happened. One second we were just making out and the next you're..."

"I know. I'm sorry," she cut him off. She didn't need to hear a recap of last night's events. "I thought you wanted me to... but I obviously made you feel uncomfortable, so I apologize."

"No, you made me feel good...I mean, it felt great," Finn admitted guiltily. "But you didn't seem like yourself. I thought we'd at least discuss it before we did something like  _that_ because we always discuss things.I wasn't expecting you to do that... I hope you know that. That's not what I was trying to get you to do when I...that's not why I touched you... I just want to be near you and I like touching you, but only if you want me to... I didn't want you to do that... I mean, I _do_ want you to if  _you_  want to, but you didn't seem like you really wanted to and I just let you, because... well, it felt good, really good. But you didn't have to and you never have to again if you don't want to."

Rachel swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't deserve a guy like Finn. "I'm sorry," she said again. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Don't apologize. Just tell me what's wrong," Finn pleaded. "Because I know there has to be something wrong."

"There's nothing wrong," Rachel said.

Finn threw his head back in frustration. "That's garbage, Rachel! I know something is wrong. Last night...that wasn't you. You haven't been you for a while. Just tell me what's wrong! Is it something I did? Please, just tell me and I'll fix it," he demanded. He needed to know what had caused this change so he could correct it and get his girl back.

Rachel shook her head. She could never tell him. "Finn, you didn't do anything wrong," she repeated. "I'm just tired, ok? I've just been really tired and worried about losing you again." The lie burned in her throat, but the truth would shatter them. Finn would never look at her the same again if he knew.

Finn stepped closer to her, cupping her head in his hands and peering down into her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. You won't ever lose me."

She squeezed her eyes shut tight willing herself not to cry and nodded.

"I love you," Finn told her.

Rachel nodded again. "I...I love you too," she squeaked out.

With his hands still on either side of Rachel's face, Finn leaned forward and kissed her. And for the first time since they got back together, Rachel returned his kiss. She didn't feel any doubt or confusion, she just felt Finn.

They parted and went to their separate classes, but Finn wasn't entirely convinced that there wasn't something more to Rachel's behavior. Sure, she had every reason to be tired with her crazy schedule, and he understood her being insecure about their relationship considering their complicated past, but he had seen Rachel tired and insecure before and it was nothing like last night. That was something entirely different from anything he had ever seen. He knew there was something she wasn't telling him. Rachel had always been so open, but lately she was quiet and evasive. She used to tell him  _everything,_  even things he had no interest in, so withholding information was really unlike Rachel and it definitely made him worry.

* * *

Jesse picked Rachel up for rehearsal that afternoon and carried on a heavily one-sided conversation with her during the drive to Columbus. Occasionally Rachel nodded or offered a soft laugh whenever appropriate.

Mandy greeted them inside the theater when they arrived. "Hey, so did you guys hear we're getting a new musical director today?" she asked.

"But we're halfway into rehearsals. What happened to Felicia?" Jesse returned, inquiring about the woman who had served as their musical director since the start of rehearsal.

Mandy shrugged and popped a piece of gum she pulled from her pocket into her mouth. "She got a job offer in L.A as the music supervisor on some stupid teen movie. Guess she thought it would be a better opportunity than taking a gamble on a musical based in Ohio."

Jesse nodded. He was mildly annoyed at the idea of having to acclimate to a new musical director's instruction, but he understood Felicia's decision to take the better job. "So did you meet her replacement yet?"

"Yeah, just for a minute. She's kind of a bitch but she seems to know what she's doing," Mandy told them. "She's backstage with Mr. Ellis. I think you two are going to be working with her today, so good luck."

Luke shouted to Mandy from the other end of the theater and she excused herself with a cheery smile and wave. Rachel smiled back and took a seat in the house of the theater. She had liked working with Felicia because running through musical numbers with her offered a reprieve from Mr. Ellis, but she was sure she'd like Felicia's replacement just as much for the same reason.

"Alright, everyone! Can I have your attention?" Mr. Ellis called out as he strolled onto the stage. "We have a new member joining our team today. As some of you know, Felicia took a job out in California, but don't fear, she left us in very capable hands."

Had Rachel not been avoiding eye contact with Mr. Ellis, she would have recognized the woman trailing behind him.

"Everyone," Mr. Ellis continued, "this is Miss Shelby Corcoran. She'll be working with us from here on."

Rachel's head shot up and she instantly met Shelby's eyes. Her mother and Mr. Ellis were standing side-by-side on the stage she had lost her dignity on weeks ago.

"Well... small world, isn't it?" Jesse asked with a mirthless laugh.

Shelby's eyes narrowed in on Rachel and Jesse and from her steely expression it was obvious she had no idea her daughter and former student were a part of the cast. She addressed the group briefly, thanking Mr. Ellis for the opportunity and assuring the group that she'd work hard to make sure they'd be prepared for opening night.

And then Mr. Ellis laid out the day's schedule. Rachel learned she'd be working with Shelby on one of her solos while Jesse, Luke and Mandy rehearsed a scene from the first act on stage. Because they only had the theater to practice in and no studio, all musical instruction took place backstage in the greenroom, which held a simple upright piano. Mr. Ellis often grumbled about the accommodations not being what he was used to in New York, but they had managed to make do so far.

Rachel led Shelby silently to the greenroom, refusing to meet her eyes. Shelby tried to put her hand on Rachel's shoulder to get her attention, but Rachel shrugged it off and quickened her pace. Rachel felt like she was going to be sick. Shelby was way too close for comfort. Now there was one more person she'd have to worry about keeping the truth from. The weight of her secret was becoming too much to bear and she was terrified she'd crumbled underneath it.

"Rachel," Shelby started when they stepped into the greenroom. "I didn't know you were working with Richard. He told me he discovered someone very special for the lead, but I had no idea he meant you. He's a very accomplished director, you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

Rachel crossed her arms across her chest protectively and glared back at her mother. Proud of herself? How could she be proud of what she's done?

"It's good to see you again," Shelby said after an awkward stretch of silence.

"Let's not," Rachel bit off, suddenly finding her voice. "You were very clear about not wanting me in your life last year, so don't pretend this is some happy mother-daughter reunion. I doubt you would have taken the job if you knew it entailed seeing me every day."

Shelby inched closer to her daughter. "Honey, that's not true."

"Don't call me that!" Rachel snapped. "You don't get to call me that! You don't get to walk away and come back like nothing happened!" Of course Rachel's biggest concern now was making sure her mother never found out what she was doing with Mr. Ellis because Shelby would undoubtedly tell her fathers and ruin her life, but she also had some residual bitterness from Shelby's last foray into her life.

Shelby was clearly taken aback by Rachel's anger, but before she got a chance to explain herself they were interrupted by Mr. Ellis.

"How's it going back here?" he asked, cheerily gliding into the room with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Great," Shelby answered, glancing at Rachel out of the corner of her eye as she spoke to the director.

Mr. Ellis ambled over to Rachel and swung an arm around her shoulders. Rachel tensed at the contact. "So Shelby, what do you think of our bright young star here? Promising, isn't she?"

"Very," Shelby agreed.

"She was a little stiff when I first got a hold of her, but I think I've broken her in pretty well," Mr. Ellis said with a dark laugh, his arm still gripping Rachel's shoulder tightly.

Rachel met Shelby's eyes and part of her wanted to cry out, to beg her mother to get this man away from her. But instead she settled for taking a few shaky breaths in an attempt to calm herself.

"Well, I'll let you two get to it. Rachel, when you finish up here we can go over that thing we discussed," Mr. Ellis continued with a wink, his smirk revealing his true intentions only to Rachel.

Rachel's chest started to heave with the breaths she couldn't quite force out. She was going to have to be alone with Mr. Ellis while her mother was in the same building. Shelby would be mere feet away while Mr. Ellis touched and humiliated her. What if Shelby overheard the filthy things Mr. Ellis liked to grunt out when he came in her mouth? It was awful enough to have to do what she did with him while her friends and cast mates were in the front of the theater, but her mother's presence was much more stiffing. Would Shelby be able to tell afterwards? Didn't mothers always know when their children did something wrong? Granted Shelby wasn't much of a mother to her, but they still had a biological connection. Maybe that sort of knowledge was inherent. Rachel couldn't breathe. The room seemed so small, too small for the both of them, and Shelby was standing way too close. Rachel staggered backwards till her back slammed into the piano.

"Rachel," Shelby said, a look of concern on her face. "Are you ok?"

Rachel squeezed her eyes shut and tried desperately to force air into her lungs. "I can't," she said sinking to her knees and shaking her head violently. "I can't." There was a tightness in her chest she couldn't expel and a heat flushing over her body. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be here with Mr. Ellis and Shelby. She couldn't walk into Mr. Ellis's office later and do what he wanted her to do while Shelby stood near by.

Shelby walked over and kneeled down next to Rachel. "Honey, what's wrong?" Shelby felt utterly helpless. Her daughter appeared to be in the midst of a severe panic attack and she had no idea what had brought it on or how to stop it. "Rachel, look at me," she demanded. "Look at me."

Rachel continued to tremble and gasp for air. "Why..why did you c-come here? Leave me alone," she cried. "P-please just leave me alone!" She placed her hands over her ears and shook her head again. "I-I can't," she sobbed. "I can't! Not with you here."

"Can't what?" Shelby asked, clearly anguished by Rachel's pain. "Can't what? Rachel, what's wrong? Tell me what's wrong."

"No! No! No!" Rachel shrieked, her eyes growing wider. "You...He'll...I-I have to...he...I can't!"

Unsure of what else to do Shelby wrapped her arms securely around Rachel. "Shh, calm down," she murmured into Rachel's hair. "It'll be ok. Please, calm down."

Rachel leaned into Shelby's embrace and allowed herself to be held. She was too tired to fight her and it felt oddly comforting to be in her mother's arms. Eventually her breathing started to even out and the sobs wracking her body lessened.

The pair were quiet for a while, their silence only disturbed by Rachel's choked breaths and pained whimpers. But Rachel seemed to gain her bearings after a few minutes and pulled back from Shelby suddenly. "Oh God. I'm so sorry, Shelby," she said scrambling to her feet. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Rachel was horrified by what she had just done. She could have ruined everything. "Oh God, oh God," she continued to mutter to herself, backing as far away from Shelby as she could get.

Shelby quickly got to her feet, too. "Rachel, what's wrong? How long have you been having panic attacks?"

"I'm not. I don't. I mean, I'm fine. I'm sorry. That was a mistake," Rachel stammered out. She looked around the room, searching for anything to focus on other than Shelby, and wiped angrily at the tears on her face.

Shelby studied at her daughter guiltily. Was her presence really that traumatic for Rachel? Shelby knew Rachel had been hurt when she turned down the girl's request to come on as co-director of McKinley High's Glee club a year ago, but she had no idea Rachel was  _still_  upset about it. And she'd never fathomed Rachel could be  _this_  upset. Shelby really thought leaving was the best for both of them. Rachel didn't need her.

"Rachel, do you not want me here? Is that what this was about? Because I can quit. Mr. Ellis will find someone else," Shelby said. She had been excited to get the job offer from Richard Ellis, a man she had briefly worked with in New York many years ago and who had gone on to build an impressive career for himself, but Rachel's well-being was more important, and right now Rachel did not seem well.

"No. Stay," Rachel whispered. The idea of Shelby and Mr. Ellis occupying the same space made Rachel's head spin and her stomach churn, but part of her just couldn't watch Shelby leave again. She wanted her mother right now, she needed her mother right now, even if she could never actually let Shelby know why.

Shelby nodded, she wasn't quite sure what was going on with Rachel, but the sight of her daughter sobbing and gasping for air on the floor had frightened her. "I'm going to tell Mr. Ellis you're not feeling well and then I'll take you home."

Rachel straightened out her hair and clothing, she must have looked like a blubbering mess. "No, it's ok. I'm fine. Let's just work on the song."


	9. Chapter 9

Due to her unexpected break down in front of Shelby, Rachel felt anxious and edgy throughout the entire duration of their instruction. Shelby appeared to be doing her best not to comment on the episode and maintained mostly professional, but Rachel caught several concerned stares being thrown her way when Shelby thought she wasn't paying attention. It was incredibly uncomfortable and if she didn't know Mr. Ellis was waiting for her, Rachel would have bolted from the room an hour ago.

Shelby desperately wanted to question Rachel about what had happened earlier, but it was clear to her that Rachel was pretending it never happened and Shelby didn't want to shatter the girl's delusion. As silly as it seemed to Shelby to ignore the fact that a short while ago Rachel had been a sobbing hysterical mess on the floor, it also seemed cruel to push Rachel into opening up to her after Rachel had expressed such fiery resentment towards her. Rachel wouldn't even look at her for more than a couple seconds at a time and she refused to engage in any small talk Shelby attempted. It was pretty clear to Shelby that Rachel didn't want to talk about it and maybe allowing Rachel to pretend was all she could do for now. Although if it happened again Shelby was definitely not above locking the girl in one of the dressing rooms and refusing to let her out till she revealed what was causing her so much distress.

Despite the tension, Shelby and Rachel continued running through Rachel's solo for over an hour and a half. As time wore on Shelby ran out of notes to offer Rachel but she was reluctant to end the vocal session. She knew she couldn't push Rachel into talking, but Shelby hoped their time together would soften Rachel towards her a bit so that eventually Rachel would feel comfortable around her. Just as Shelby was trying to figure out a seamless way to transition her daughter into a friendly conversation, Mr. Ellis peeked his head into the room and rapped quickly on the door.

"Making progress?" he asked Shelby as he stepped into the room.

Shelby nodded and explained some of what they had gone over while Rachel listened quietly. Rachel noted that Shelby spoke so definitively, so confidently. It was as if Shelby spoke and lived entirely without doubt. Jesse had told her horror stories about Shelby's strict rule and non-nonsense demeanor. Maybe if she possessed a little more of her mother's strength she wouldn't be in the situation she was with Mr. Ellis. No one would ever dare mess with a woman as strong as Shelby.

"Sounds like you've done enough with our young star for today, Miss Corcoran. I'd like you to see Jesse, Scott and Luke next. Luke has been struggling a bit with their number from first act and I want it addressed tonight," Mr. Ellis stated. He lingered for a moment, shifting his gaze between Shelby and Rachel.

"Rachel, can I see you for a minute?" he then asked with a careful non-expression.

Rachel looked to Shelby as if the woman would telepathically hear her cry for help. "Actually, I'm not really confident in my ability to perform this song. I'd like to keep working on it with Shelby," she said desperately.

"You nailed it, Rachel. You don't need me to work on it with you," Shelby interjected, not seeing the way her daughter's eyes pleaded with her. Rachel was being too hard on herself, Shelby thought, she had barely needed any instruction to begin with. Shelby figured a confidence boost might go a long way with the fragile girl.

Rachel tried to open her mouth to refute Shelby's claim, but she couldn't find the words. All she could do was shake her head slightly. Her mother had sold her out. She was grasping for a lifeline and Shelby was tossing her back into the choppy waters. Part of her knew it was irrational to be mad at Shelby for not being able to read her mind, but Rachel was too terrified to think rationally. Shelby had let her down again.

Mr. Ellis raised his eyes as if he was aware that Rachel was trying to delay their meeting. "Well, I guess that's settled. I'll send the guys back. Rachel, my office please."

Rachel followed behind Mr. Ellis in a daze. His office wasn't too far from the greenroom, which meant Shelby, Jesse, and the others would only be a about 30 feet away. Mr. Ellis led her into the tiny room and told her to wait while he went to speak to the actors on stage. She considered taking off right then, just fleeing from the office and the theater and never turning back, but then Shelby would be suspicious and Jesse would be out of work. Despite the obvious drawbacks, Rachel was still eyeing the door when Mr. Ellis returned.

Rachel swallowed hard as Mr. Ellis closed the door behind him with a slimy smile. She hadn't had a private meeting with him since Finn asked her to junior prom last week. Apparently he wasn't able to find the time or opportunity to get her alone.

He was on her instantly, kissing her with fervor. "God, I've missed those full lips of yours," he breathed into her mouth. Mr. Ellis guided her back against the wall and started to grind his pelvis into her.

Rachel shuttered a bit each time the director's growing bulge rubbed against her stomach. She pushed at his shoulder to try to get some space. If Mr. Ellis was going to do what he was going to do, she'd rather he just get it over with. She succeeded in getting him to take a step back, but only so that he could fumble with the buttons on her jeans.

"What happened to your slutty little skirts?" Mr. Ellis asked with his mouth hot against Rachel's neck. "They were much more accessible," he finished with a nip of her skin. She had stopped wearing them to the theater for that precise reason.

Rachel tried to go away, to leave her body behind like she usually did during these encounters, but something was keeping her from retreating to that safe place in the back of her mind.  _Finn_. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was betraying him. She never wanted this in the first place, but it happened and if it happened again she'd be cheating, at least in her mind. She couldn't do that to Finn again. The guilt gnawed at her, preventing her body from mechanically taking over.

"Wait! Stop," she cried out as Mr. Ellis started rubbing her through her panties.

"We don't have time for this," Mr. Ellis barked at her as he pressed his forearm against her chest to keep her in place. He slipped the flimsy material between her legs to the side and pressed his fingers into her.

Rachel gasped and squirmed against the wall, desperate to get away. "No, I can't do this. I have a boyfriend. You have to stop. Please."

Mr. Ellis's hand stilled suddenly and for a second Rachel thought she might have finally found an out. "You have a boyfriend?" he said, echoing her. "How nice." His lips curled into a sickening smile. "Are you fucking him?"

"What?" Rachel asked, startled by the gruffness of his voice. "No!"

"It's that little prick Jesse, isn't it? I knew you two were screwing around!"

He still had her against the wall and Rachel was frightened by his anger. "It's not Jesse. Please, just let me leave. I won't tell anyone."

"Who is it?" Mr. Ellis demanded, grabbing her arm roughly.

"A boy from school," Rachel squeaked out. She tried to wrestle her arm free but Mr. Ellis's grip tightened.

"You fucking whore!" His voice rang out seconds before his fist landed across her cheek, just under her eye. The force of the punch caused her head to slam hard into the wall. Mr. Ellis caught her by the arm again before her body could go limp and slide to the floor. He pulled her against him and shook her tiny body. The violent movement and the hit her head took made Rachel nauseous. "You ungrateful little slut! You think some school boy can offer you what I can? You think he can replace me? Does he make you come like I do?" Mr. Ellis sneered, his face only inches away from hers.

Rachel kept her hand pressed against her bruised cheek, too shocked to lower it. He had slapped and shaken her a few times when she wouldn't readily comply, but he had never hit her with such unadulterated force before. "No, no that's not what I meant. He doesn't. We don't...we haven't done anything like that. I just," she stammered.

"Good." Mr. Ellis turned them both so that Rachel's back was to his desk and walked her into it, bending her body back over the wooden surface. Once Rachel was mostly lying back on the desk, he pulled her hand from her face and brushed his thumb across the freshly forming bruise. "Why did you make me hurt you?" he asked almost apologetically. "Why did you have to go and be such a goddamn slut?"

Mr. Ellis leaned down over her and replaced his thumb with his lips and began to trail kisses down her jawline and to her neck.

When he started to tug down her jeans Rachel wondered why she ever thought her having a boyfriend would make him stop. If her cries and pleas weren't enough, her relationship status surely wasn't going be.

She was thinking about how she'd have to break up with Finn now, how she'd have to give up another part of herself, when she realized he wasn't stopping with her jeans. He was pulling her panties down with the denim. "What are you doing?" she asked in a shaky voice. He never completely stripped her before, usually he just slipped his hand inside her underwear or pushed them to the side.

"I want your first time to be special, Rachel. Boys your age don't know how to treat a girl," Mr. Ellis told her as he drew back slightly to work his own pants open.

_First time_. "No! Stop!" Rachel hurled herself forward and tried to slip out from under his arm, but he grabbed her around the waist and threw her back onto the desk so hard it knocked the wind out of her. "Wait! Please, don't do this. Please! Stop! Stop it!" She hadn't begged this much since the first time he touched her.

"Shh, it'll be ok," Mr. Ellis said softly. "I'm not going to hurt you."

She heard his belt buckle clank as it opened and then the sound of his zipper lowering.

"Please don't do this this. Please," Rachel muttered hopelessly. She shut her eyes tight as she trembled beneath him in anticipation.

Mr. Ellis's mouth over Rachel's muffled the scream that ripped from her throat when he penetrated her for the first time.

"Shh, baby, relax," he whispered into her ear. He had her hands crossed at the wrists and pinned securely to the desk above her head with his left hand and his right hand was pressed firmly into her stomach, keeping her in place.

Rachel whimpered and cried out in pain when Mr. Ellis started thrusting in and out of her. She felt like her insides were being torn apart.

"There you go. You're doing great, sweetie," Mr. Ellis cooed gently against her hair.

Her cries were so loud that Mr. Ellis had to bring his right hand up to clamp over her mouth so that no one would hear. He could hear the piano in the background and knew Shelby's lesson with Jesse, Luke and Scott was probably drowning out Rachel's cries, but he didn't want to take any risks.

He finished inside of her and Rachel never felt dirtier than she did with his semen running down her thigh.

"That's my girl." He placed a delicate kiss against her lips and pulled his pants up. "I'll see you out there," he said before disappearing.

Rachel's body screamed in protest when she attempted to sit up and she had to roll over onto her side to stop the urge to vomit. Taking a deep breath she gingerly lowered her feet to the floor and pushed herself off the wooden desk. She was keenly aware of the sticky substance between her legs, a mixture of Mr. Ellis's semen and her blood, but she made no attempt to clean herself off. She needed to get out of there immediately. Pulling her panties and jeans up in one swift tug she hissed at the pain emanating from below.

Rachel rushed out the office and through the backstage corridors to the stage door. She got about ten feet from the building when she lurched forward and started to retch and vomit onto the pavement.

A hand on her back startled Rachel into spinning around to see Shelby with her cellphone pressed to her ear. She dropped her head and shook her hair in front of her face so Shelby wouldn't notice the bruise forming on her face.

Shelby thanked the babysitter and ended the call in a rush. "Sweetie, what's wrong? Are you sick?"

Rachel shrugged Shelby's hand from her back and wiped a hand across her mouth. She glared at the woman with a look of contempt and betrayal as she started to retreat. Abruptly, she turned and broke into a run towards the Columbus bus depot.

Shelby called after her to no avail. Concerned and confused, she went back inside to seek some answers. She found Mr. Ellis in the front of the theater and asked about Rachel's condition.

"I was trying to talk to her about her schooling schedule so I could figure out when would be a good time to add a couple of extra rehearsals to our calender, but she seemed distracted and upset," Mr. Ellis told Shelby evenly. "I think she mentioned something about a boy breaking up with her," he added for good measure. "You know how those things can seem like the end of the world to a teenage girl. Normally I wouldn't stand for that sort of unprofessionalism from one of my actors, but I guess that's what I get for going with someone so young." He shrugged and excused himself.

Shelby's mouth hardened into a thin line. Rachel was anything but unprofessional. And no matter how dramatic the girl could sometimes be, crying and vomiting seemed a little over the top for a high school break up. Shelby suspected something else was bothering Rachel, but she feared that something else might be her and she was hesitant to uncover  _that_  specific truth. She returned to the greenroom to continue her instruction with the guys but Rachel lingered on her mind.

* * *

"Rachel, sweetie? Is that you?" her father called out eagerly when he heard the front door slam closed. Rachel wasn't due home for another hour or so and he rarely got to see her during the week anymore.

Rachel knew she looked a mess. She hadn't stopped crying since she realized what Mr. Ellis was planning on doing and she couldn't let her father see her like that. "Just a minute, Daddy," she called back, already halfway up the stairs. It would be longer than a minute but she needed to make it to the shower.

When her father came up to check on her 45 minutes later Rachel pretended to be asleep so she wouldn't have to talk to him.

* * *

Rachel skipped her first couple of classes to go to the pharmacy a town over the next morning. The pharmacist maintained poised when she nervously asked for the morning after pill.

"Just need to see some ID," the man replied.

Her brows furrowed. "I.D.?"

"Yep. Law says you have to be 17 to get the pill without a prescription," he explained.

Rachel blinked away the tears that suddenly sprang into her eyes. She had no idea what to do now.

"How old is your boyfriend?" the pharmacist asked.

She was certain the man thought she was insane when she bursted into tears at his question.

"I was just asking because if he's 17 or older he can come in here and get the pill for you. Or you can go to the planned parenthood and get a prescription yourself. Ok? Don't cry, you still have time," he told her quickly.

Rachel ended up waiting four hours to be seen at the clinic and had to scrap her plans to go into school late. It was almost three o'clock when she was finally headed back into the pharmacy with a prescription for emergency contraception. The same pharmacist from earlier offered her a warm smile when he spotted her on the other end of the counter.

"Got everything all sorted out?" he asked.

She pushed the small white slip of paper across the counter with a shy nod. Twenty minutes later she was boarding a bus back to Lima with a white paper bag tucked neatly under her arm. She swore the elderly couple sitting across from her knew what was in the bag and were scowling at her.

"Didn't take you for much of a bus rider, Rachel."

Rachel snapped her head up to take notice of the duo standing in front of her.

"Mercedes, Kurt," she uttered, nervously adjusting the large dark sunglasses on her face. "What are you guys doing here?"

Mercedes helped herself to the seat besides Rachel while Kurt hung onto the metal rod running across the top of the bus for support.

"My dad took away my car after I fell asleep at Blaine's and didn't call," Kurt explained with an eye roll. "So decided to skip school today, did we?"

"I, uh, wasn't feeling well," Rachel answered.

"Well enough to go out shopping though?" Mercedes asked skeptically gesturing to the paper bag in Rachel's hands. "So what was so important you had to skip school to get it?" She grabbed at the bag, but Rachel quickly snatched it back, tearing the flimsy paper in the process. The small cardboard box fell into Mercedes' lap and before Rachel could react the other girl caught sight of the label. "Plan B One Step?" Mercedes read aloud. "Rachel, what are you doing with the morning after pill?"

"I..I..you shouldn't have done that!" Rachel shrieked, grabbing for the box and shoving it into her purse. "You had no right to invade my privacy like that!"

Mercedes regarded the girl curiously. Rachel was bordering on hysterical. Her hands were practically shaking and her voice was high and shrill. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I thought it was a CD or something."

"Morning after pill? But Finn said you two weren't having sex," Kurt added.

"Well, he lied," Rachel returned quickly. She couldn't think of any other explanation that would work. "We had intercourse yesterday and he didn't have a condom, thus the reason why I wasn't at school today and why I have this pill. I think one teen pregnancy is enough for the glee club. I was just trying to be responsible."

Kurt frowned down at her. "Finn didn't say anything about it." Actually, Kurt didn't remember Finn even mentioning seeing Rachel yesterday and he was sure Rachel had rehearsal on Wednesdays anyway. He supposed they could have done it during or immediately following school, although the thought made Kurt cringe a little. Or maybe Rachel got out of rehearsal early and Finn snuck off to see her. He had fallen asleep pretty early so it was possible he just didn't notice his step-brother's absence. But no matter when it happened, Finn had definitely not shared it with him. Despite his earlier reluctance, Kurt actually liked being Finn's confidant. It was the most brotherly they had acted since their parents married.

"That's because we agreed not to tell anyone," Rachel said primly. "So if you two will please respect that decision, I'd appreciate it."

"Sure, Rachel. But is everything ok? You're acting kind of funny," Mercedes pried carefully.

Rachel made it a point to smile at her friends and appear composed. "Absolutely. Just being cautious," she answered. Her stop arrived soon and she bid farewell to her fellow glee club members with all the normalcy she could manage.

"Well that was weird," Mercedes noted as Rachel exited the bus. "Even for her."

* * *

Kurt wasted no time in approaching Finn when he got home. If Finn was so torn up over the incident a couple nights ago, why would he have sex with Rachel when she was clearly no more ready than she was during the blow job debacle? It had only been  _two_  days.

"You had sex with Rachel even though you knew she wasn't ready?" Kurt accused harshly as he bursted into his brother's bedroom.

Maybe if he had taken a second to knock or look around he would have noticed Puck sitting on the carpet in front of Finn's bed playing X-box.


End file.
